thehardtimes

Hard Digest June 28: Early Access ICE, Rick Rubin, Movies, and More

New ICE Recruitment Ad Just “Click Click Boom” Playing Over Video of Mexican Kid’s Birthday Party

By Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — ICE unveiled a new recruitment ad today that was just Saliva’s “Click, Click, Boom” playing at an insanely loud volume over a video of a Mexican kid’s birthday party, sources confirmed.

“Look at little Guillerm...

Hard Digest June 27: Early Access Guitar Pedals, Cops, Wall of Death, and More

Guitarist Buys $450 Pedal Just to Play Last 15 Seconds of “Karma Police”

By Rob Ryder

ANNAPOLIS, Md. — Amateur guitarist Jay Alvarez recently purchased a $450 delay pedal in an attempt to replicate the last few seconds of Radiohead’s 1997 Hit “Karma Police,” concerned friends reported.

“I’d heard the song streaming a few times and I sta...

Hard Digest June 26: Early Access RFK Jr., Bluesky, Greg Ginn, and More

RFK Jr. Tells Staff Not to Bother Him Until It’s a Big Pox Outbreak

By Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. dismissed a potential smallpox outbreak today by telling HHS staffers not to bother him until it’s a “big pox” outbreak, sources confirmed.

“I’m this close to finally proving that artificial dye in tennis...

MVP: Blind Melon "No Rain"

This week on MVP we break down the classic "No Rain" music video from Blind Melon that brought you the famous Bee Girl. So grow your hair out, grab you incense and settle in for another episode to enjoy with your family.

Watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qVPNONdF58&pp=0gcJCdgAo7VqN5tD

Hard Digest June 25: Cuomo, Early Access Recruiting, McDonald's, ICE, and More

So, This Is How Rank-and-File Mediocrity and Corruption Dies — Guest Post by Andrew Cuomo

By Dan Rice

My fellow centrists,

As of this writing, I have just gotten off the phone with Zohran Mamdani, a democratic socialist, congratulating him on winning the democratic nomination for mayor of New York. It is a formality I fear may be part of a bygone era....

Hard Digest June 24: Early Access Touring, Re-Education Camps, The Bear, and More

Touring Punk Band Cuts Transportation Costs 90% After Stealing Van From Costco Parking Lot

By Ben Friedman

DAVENPORT, Iowa — A cash-strapped punk band embarking on their first tour was able to cut their transportation expenses 90% by stealing an unattended sprinter van from the local Costco parking lot, onlookers have reported.

“The label signed t...

Hard Digest June 23: Early Access Spiders, Liquid Death, Time, and More

Girlfriend Can’t Go to Sleep After Seeing Line 6 Spider in the Corner

By James Klinger

MARIETTA, Ga. — Local girlfriend Kaitlynn Gagnon is unable to sleep after spotting a Line 6 Spider in the corner right before shutting her eyes, boyfriend sleepily confirmed.

“Eek! Those things disgust me,” disclosed a terrified Gagnon while holding up he...

Hard Digest June 22: Iran, Early Access, Country Music, The Strokes, and Splash Mountain

Trump Claims “Very Successful” Bombing Campaign in Iran Has Killed the Actual Osama bin Laden

By The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump boasted that the U.S.-led military strike on Iranian nuclear facilities successfully killed the architect of the 9/11 attacks, Osama bin Laden, who was previously thought to have been killed in 2011...

Hard Digest June 21: Early Access Bright Eyes, Hells Bells, the FAA, and More

Man Attending Bright Eyes/Cursive Concert Excited to Relive the Glory Days of the Most Miserable and Depressed Time in His Life

By Kevin Coons

BOSTON — Local father and software engineer Evan Froom is reportedly excited to see emo bands Bright Eyes and Cursive perform together, recalling an earlier time in his life when he loved both bands and was emotiona...

Hard Digest June 20: Early Access Gigs, The Tolerant Left, NOAA, and More

Friend With Upcoming Gig Suddenly Remembers That You Still Exist

By Sara Tabin

SALEM, Mass. — Your friend Jared Bunter finally reached out today to let you know about his band’s upcoming gig despite six months of radio silence prior to that point, sources report.

“Honestly, I’m mostly just relieved to hear he’s still alive,” you said. “I ...

Hard Digest June 19: Juneteenth, Early Access Democrats, Putin, Acoustic Guitars, and More

Trump Calls for Reparations for Families Who “Lost Their Workers” on Juneteenth

By Ben Sobieck

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump marked Juneteenth, the federal holiday created in 2021 commemorating the end of slavery in the United States, with a call for reparations to descendants of families who “lost their workers.”

“Juneteenth, wha...

MVP: Butthole Surfers "Pepper"

This week we break down the music video for "Pepper" from your parents' favorite band Butthole Surfers. Grabbed your canned corn and settle in for a good one.

Watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRXty8lDUW0

Hard Digest June 18: Early Access Prisons, Point Break, Kristin Noem, and More

Private University Brochure Touts Diversity of Nearby Prison

By Matt Husser

ITHACA, N.Y. — Elite private institution Bournestown University released a new campus brochure today touting the diversity of the college’s nearby prison, sources confirmed.

“Here at Bournestown University, we’re proud to foster a diverse local community comprising ...

Hard Digest June 17: Trump Mobile, Early Access Pits, Mercyful Fate, Supreme Court, and More

Every Trump Phone To Come Preloaded With Epstein Contact List

By Tim Sheard

NEW YORK — President Donald Trump’s sons Eric and Don Jr. announced a new Trump Mobile cellular phone service that will feature a new phone called the T1, which will be priced at $499 and come preloaded with the full Epstein contact list, excited sources confirm.

“This pho...

Hard Digest June 16: Gas Prices, Early Access Pantera, Velvet Revolver, Recitals, and More

What the Deaths of Countless Middle Eastern Civilians Means for You at the Pump

By Tim Sheard

Summer is almost here. That means hopping in your car and hitting the open road with your best friends and family. But before you plan on making that trip to the lake house, you should know that gas prices are about to go up once again thanks to the escalating confli...

Hard Digest June 15: Early Access Slipknot, Patriarchy, Target, and More

New Member of Slipknot Told to Look Busy Until the Boss Finds Something for Him to Do

By Steve Packosky

DES MOINES, Iowa — Newest member of Slipknot Brett Francese found himself struggling to look busy during his first day on the job, sources report.

“I’m actually kind of surprised I got in the band only to be told to hold a clipboard and jot...

Hard Digest June 13: Early Access Limp Bizkit, Urban Outfitters, Pride, and More

Limp Bizkit Fan Figures Out Exact Day in 1998 That Fred Durst Was Singing About in “Break Stuff”

By Zack Zagranis

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Limp Bizkit superfan Dylan “Chuds” McKenzie pinpointed the exact day Fred Durst is referring to in the band’s hit single “Break Stuff,” something previously thought impossible by his fellow nu metal fans.<...

Hard Digest June 12: Early Access Meta, Recession, Solvents, and More

Meta Now Partnering With UPS to Mail Pictures of Hitler Directly to Young Men

By Matt Bieker

MENLO PARK, Calif. — Meta announced a new partnership this week with UPS to physically mail high-gloss, full-color photographs of Adolf Hitler directly to the homes of young men not currently active on social media in a bold expansion of its commitment to algorithm...

MVP: NSYNC "Bye Bye Bye"

This week we break down a punk classic. Of course it's NSYNC's "Bye Bye Bye" a video you sat through in order to get to watch a Blink-182 video on TRL.

Watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eo-KmOd3i7s

Hard Digest June 11: Brian Wilson Tributes, Trump, Early Access Mormons, Sean Penn, New Jersey Sober, and More

Mike Love Posts Touching Tribute to Mike Love

By Dan Rice

In response to the recent passing of Brian Wilson, often credited as the driving creative force behind The Beach Boys’ best work, former bandmate and cousin Mike Love posted an emotional and touching tribute to the life and work of Mike Love on social media today:

“Today, the world has l...

Hard Digest June 10: Early Access Steel Magnolias, The Perfect Crime, Trump, and More

Audio Engineering Mixup Results in Two-Minute Sound Clip From “Steel Magnolias” Being Included in New Mortician Song

By Steve Packosky

LAS VEGAS — A sound clip from 1989 film “Steel Magnolias” was accidentally used in the beginning of the song “Axewound Rhinoplasty” by notorious death/grind legends Mortician due to an audio engineering mis...

Hard Digest June 9: LA Police, Sly Stone, Early Access '90s Rock, Crypto, Millennials, and More

New Report Shows Cops Were Told to Escalate Violence in LA By Picturing Protesters as Their Wives and Children

By The Hard Times Staff

LOS ANGELES — A leaked memo from high-ranking law enforcement officials encouraged officers on the street tasked with confronting protesters to “Picture them as your wives and children” so they would be more willing t...

Hard Digest June 8: Early Access Dream Theater, Landlords, and Trump

Dream Theater Fans Storm the Capitol After Tariffs Raise Price of Real Dolls

By Steve Packosky

WASHINGTON — The nation’s fans of progressive metal band Dream Theater stormed the Capitol after the price of Real Dolls, a brand of life-size sex dolls, was raised as a direct result of President Donald Trump’s tariffs, sources report.

“I’ve be...

Hard Digest June 7: Early Access Line Cooks, Turnstile, and Mr. Beast

Line Cook Who Listens to Music Exclusively Through iPhone Placed Inside of Cambro Under Ventilation Hood Won’t Settle for Spotify’s Inferior Bitrate

By Robert John Scucci

NASHVILLE — Veteran line cook Gerry Powell insisted on blaring music through his shattered iPhone 5 by placing it inside of a stainless steel cambro instead of streaming Spot...

Hard Digest June 6: Billionaires, Early Access Country Music, John Mellencamp, JD Vance, and More

Untethered MAGA Patriot Unsure Which Billionaire to Worship Going Forward

By The Hard Times Staff

HELENA, Mont. — Self-proclaimed “Ultra-MAGA Patriot” Tommy Walton admitted that the public blow-up between President Trump and Elon Musk is causing him immense mental anguish as he ponders which billionaire he will build his online personality around ne...

Hard Digest June 5: White House Drama, Greta Thunberg, Early Access MTV News, Crust Punks, Orwell, and More

JD Vance Pumped to Be Getting Two Christmases

By Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — Vice President JD Vance can barely conceal his excitement at the prospect of getting “Two whole Christmases!” this year in light of the recent explosive rift between Donald Trump and Elon Musk, sources claim.

“Look, I understand the severity of the situation, and nobody wants D...

MVP: Soul Asylum "Runaway Train"

This week on the podcast we decided everyone needed a good laugh, so we picked a video that everyone thinks is hilarious. Join us as we break down the horrors of Soul Asylum's "Runaway Train" music video.

Watch it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NRtvqT_wMeY

Hard Digest June 4: Early Access Manowar, Thrash Bands, Instagram, and More

Weird! Manowar Not Getting Girlfriend in the Mood

By Steve Packosky

FRESNO, Calif. — You expressed confusion over the band Manowar’s inability to get your girlfriend in the mood for sexual intercourse, sources report.

“I don’t get it,” you lamented. “I lit some candles and put on ‘Kings of Metal’ thinking it was a sure-fire way to...

Hard Digest June 3: Early Access Vinyl Collectors, Coworkers, Gas Prices, and More

Lazy Vinyl Collector Well-Versed in First Half of Classic Albums

By Jason Clemence

FRAMINGHAM, Mass. — Self-described “audiophile” and “vinyl junkie” Jerry Cordman possesses encyclopedic knowledge of the first half of countless masterful albums, a unique trait that acquaintances attribute to his near-pathological laziness, confirmed sources.

Hard Digest June 2: Early Access Van Halen, Moms, ICE, and More

New Amazon Prime Series Explores Alternate American Timeline Where David Lee Roth Never Left Van Halen

By Dan Kozuh

LOS ANGELES — Streaming giant Amazon Prime announced today the upcoming release of “I’m The One,” an alternate-history series that ponders how history might change if eccentric frontman David Lee Roth never left the rock band Van Hal...