thehardtimes

Hard Digest June 1: Early Access Pills, Kings of Leon, Bulldogs, and More

Aging Punk Never Thought Taking a Handful of Pills Would Be the Most Boring Part of His Day

By Zack Zagranis

BOSTON — Middle-aged punk Mickey “Goatfucker” Sullivan never thought that swallowing several pills at once would be the most mundane part of his day, confirmed sources.

“I used to get up to some pretty crazy shit back in the day and ...

Hard Digest May 31: Early Access Metallica, EPA, and Landlords

Pregnant Woman Weighing Ethical Considerations of Bringing Child Into World Where Metallica Still Releasing New Music

By Steve Packosky

CHICAGO — Pregnant woman Janice Bonder found herself second-guessing her decision to bring new life into a world where popular metal band Metallica was still releasing new music, sources report.

“I actually...

Hard Digest May 30: Early Access Prom, Billie Joe Armstrong, Dr. Seuss, and More

Straight Edge High Schoolers Don’t Need Booze to Not Have Fun at Prom

By Reuben Blanchard

SIMSBURY, Conn. — Local straight edge high schoolers recently stated that their commitment to living a drug- and alcohol-free lifestyle will have no effect on their ability to be completely miserable at their upcoming prom, confirmed sources.

“I don’...

Hard Digest May 29: Early Access Drinking, Microplastics, Stealing and More

Potassium-Deficient Punk Switching from Steel Reserve to 99 Bananas

By Evan Vest

CLEVELAND, Ohio — Punk stalwart Dave “Mel-Mel” Ryans made the switch from the popular malt liquor Steel Reserve, sometimes known as 211, to infamous liqueur brand 99 Bananas after doctors revealed a startling potassium deficiency, confirmed head-tilting sources.

“The...

MVP: Twisted Sister "We're Not Gonna Take It"

This week on the podcast we break down the Twisted Sister classic "We're Not Gonna Take It" video and tell you everything you ever needed to know about this suburban protest anthem. Listen with your parents.

Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xmckWVPRaI

Hard Digest May 28: Early Access Kid Rock, Vaccines, Trump Library, and More

Kid Rock Caps off Kennedy Center Concert With Woody Guthrie Cover “Mein Kampf Is Your Kampf”

By Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — Kid Rock capped off his concert at the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts with a cover of Woody Guthrie’s “This Land is Your Land” titled “Mein Kampf is Your Kampf,” sources confirmed.

“I always heard...

Hard Digest May 27: Harvard, Early Access Pirated Movies, Target, Trump, and More

Genius Janitors Now Forced To Solve Equations on Own Blackboards Following Trump’s Harvard Contract Cuts

By Steve Packosky

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — President Donald Trump’s decision to terminate all of the federal government’s remaining contracts with Harvard University resulted in genius janitors having to solve equations written on blackboards tha...

Hard Digest May 26: Early Access ICP, Helen of Troy, Multitasking, and More

Trump Administration to Cut Much Needed Mental Health Funds for Clown Posses

By Charles Bill

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced plans to cut much needed mental health funds for America’s clown posses, confirmed dope-ass sources.

“They’ve been stealing our money and spending it on Faygo,” said the President. �...

Hard Digest May 25: Early Access Memorial Day, and More

Pete Hegseth Wishes Happy Memorial Day to Covert Marine Operatives Stationed at 15.5527° N, 48.5164° E

By Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth delivered a special Memorial Day message to a covert unit of Marine operatives stationed at classified coordinates in Yemen, sources confirmed.

“Morale has been a little low around h...

Hard Digest May 24: Early Access Municipal Waste, Airbnb, Elon Musk, and More

Municipal Waste Fan Horrified To Learn He Drank Responsibly Last Night

By Steve Packosky

CASPER, Wyo. — Municipal Waste fan Dylan Medina was shocked and disgusted after remembering that he drank responsibly at local bar Shooter’s last night, sources report.

“Oh man, I’m so embarrassed,” Medina moaned as he held his head in his hands. “I o...

Hard Digest May 23: Harvard, Early Access Metalheads, Newsies, Ms. Rachel, and More

Harvard Asking Around To See If Anyone Knows Any Good Lawyers

By Dan Kozuh

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Administrators at Harvard University are currently reaching out to everyone in their network and asking if anyone knows a good lawyer who might be able to take on the Trump administration, sources confirmed.

“In a bit of a pickle here. Anyone out there got...

Hard Digest May 22: Trump, Early Access Tea, Hell, Old Guys, and More

Shocked Trump Could Have Sworn South African President Died in Prison

By Ben Friedman

WASHINGTON — President Trump left his meeting with South African President Cyril Ramaphosa visibly shaken and confused after admitting he thought the leader died in prison in the 1980s, White House aides confirmed.

“Can you believe this? This is huge, I could’...

MVP: Limp Bizkit "Rollin' (Air Raid Vehicle)"

This song sucks, this video sucks, but this podcast episode doesn't. This week we break down everything you need to know about this Limp Bizkit stink fest.

Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RYnFIRc0k6E

Hard Digest May 21: Early Access Howard Stern, Crust Punks, Democrats, and More

Ride to Airport From Uncle Confirms Howard Stern Still Exists

By Tim Graham

BOSTON — Frequent flyer Kaitlyn Massey was surprised to learn that venerable shock jock Howard Stern is still alive and broadcasting, sources within her family’s group text confirm.

“It was nice of Uncle Craig to volunteer to drive me to Logan,” said Massey while eating ...

Hard Digest May 20: Early Access Gentrification, Soul Asylum, Spelling, and More

Urinal Cake Signals Beginning of Venue Gentrification

By Mark Danowsky

DENVER — A urinal cake spotted in the bathroom of Low Clearance raised concerns that the beloved venue may be veering away from their squalid roots and gradually gentrifying, confirmed sources.

“I’ve seen it all before,” said Tim Klaw, a regular at Low Clearance. “This...

Hard Digest May 19: Biden's Cancer, Early Access Garage Sales, Financial Disasters, Dog Owners, and More

Israeli Doctors Suggest Treating Biden’s Cancer With Indiscriminate Bombing, Followed by Starvation

By The Hard Times Staff

GREENVILLE, Del. — Top doctors from all over Israel travelled to the United States to prepare a course of action to treat former President Biden’s prostate cancer, which will involve heavy bombing followed by a starvation campai...

Hard Digest May 18: Early Access Barenaked Ladies, Last Names, Gaza, and More

Barenaked Ladies Threaten to Release Another Song Unless Tariffs on Canada Are Lifted

By Steve Packosky

TORONTO — Canadian rock band Barenaked Ladies responded to U.S. President Donald Trump’s sweeping tariffs on their country by threatening to release another single, horrified sources report.

“Donald Trump has upended decades of free trade bet...

Hard Digest May 17: Early Access Piss Streams, The Toadies, and Late-Stage Capitalism

Aging Punk’s Weakened Piss Stream Now Eliminates Only Method He Uses to Clean His Toilet

By Stephen Bell

LOS ANGELES — Local punk Corbin Stefanski’s weakening urine stream is severely limiting his ability to clean his toilet, according to several sources familiar with the situation.

“So normally I try to clean all the dookie stains on the ins...

Hard Digest May 16: Bruce Springsteen, Early Access Sweetwater Reps, Bipolar Girlfriends, the Aggro Crag, and More

Trump Orders Raid of Wendy’s Dreams and Visions in Retaliation for Bruce Springsteen’s Rant

By Dan Rice

LONG BRANCH, N.J. — President Trump ordered a federal raid of the dreams and visions of Wendy, the female character from “Born to Run,” in an act of retribution against Bruce Springsteen for his anti-Trump tirade at a U.K. show going viral, s...

Hard Digest May 15: Riot Fest, Early Access Apps, Cybertrucks, Polyamory, and More

Punk Community Celebrates 20th Anniversary of Hopelessly Waiting For Operation Ivy to Reunite At Riot Fest

By Corey Montgomery

CHICAGO — Legions of punk fans are bracing for disappointment over the exclusion of a reunion set from beloved ska-punk band Operation Ivy during the 20th iteration of 2025-05-16 00:00:06 +0000 UTC View Post

MVP: Interpol "Evil"

It's about time we did a video featuring a puppet. This week Bill and Dan break down everything you need to know about Interpol's video for their hit song "Evil."

Watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dkpgz3uQ58U

Hard Digest May 14: Early Access, Koalas, Tom Morello, Lilith Fair, and More

Rare Koala Absolute Fuck Machine

By Doug Kolic

SAN DIEGO — A rare koala discovered at the San Diego Zoo defied its species’ reputation for being sedentary and lethargic and became an uncontrollable fuck machine, according to dozens of disgusted and concerningly a few aroused witnesses.

“It’s a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it,” grunted...

Hard Digest May 13: Early Access Sonic Youth, Gruel, Wikipedia, and More

Sonic Youth Announce Reunion to Bully Nardwuar Again

By Mimi Kenny

NEW YORK — Local noise rock band Sonic Youth announced they were reforming 13 years after their dissolution, specifically to taunt and harass beloved Canadian interviewer Nardwuar the Human Serviette as severely as they had in 1991, confirmed uneasy sources.

“Though the end of my ...

Hard Digest May 12: Early Access Chrome, Posers, Festivals, and More

Punk-Designed Chrome Extension Stops Google From Asking You If You Want to Kill Yourself Every Time You Look Up “Suicidal Tendencies”

By Noah Dominguez

SEATTLE — Punk web designer Priscilla Prange published a new Chrome extension that stops Google from asking if you want to kill yourself every time you look up the band Suicidal Tendencies, sources w...

Hard Digest May 11: Early Access Excuses, Oasis, Motorcycles, and More

Middle-Aged Man Wonders If He’s Already Given His Best Excuses Not to Go to Friends’ Show

By Nathan Kamal

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local 42-year-old Mitch Hensley, a self-proclaimed supporter of the Portland scene, is concerned that he has already given the best excuses he will ever come up with to not go to his friends’ shows, sources confirmed.

�...

Hard Digest May 10: Mother's Day Early Access

Perennial Plants Thriving at Childhood Home Suggest Mom Can Be Nurturing After All

By Amber Hendrix

RICHMOND — Local Improv Coach Amanda Paulson is struggling to reconcile her mother’s maternal dedication to her household plants, according to sources.

“Growing up, my mother treated my needs as an inconvenience. She even once said I was drama...

Hard Digest May 9: Early Access The Callous Daoboys,

DraftKings Predict The Callous Daoboys Have Better Odds of Reaching Super Bowl Than Dallas Cowboys

By Audrey Vieira

ATLANTA — New data from DraftKings indicates mathcore band The Callous Daoboys are an unlikely favorite to make it to next year’s Super Bowl, while the similarly named Dallas Cowboys are ranked dead last, sources who figured the team stil...

Hard Digest May 8: New Pope, Early Access Nu Metal, Old Guys, Walmart, and More

Opinion: Is the World Ready for the First Openly Muppet Pope?

By Matt Husser

As the secret proceedings of the Papal Conclave draw to a close, millions of people around the world are waiting with bated breath for the announcement of the next Pope. But there’s a different conversation happening in Sesame Street and Fraggle Rock: Is the world ready for the first openly Mu...

MVP: a-ha "Take On Me"

If you ever dreamed about being whisked away to a comic book world by a handsome Norwegian, then "Take On Me" is the video for you. This week we break down everything you need to know about this a-ha classic.

Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=djV11Xbc914

Hard Digest May 7: Early Access Violent Femmes, Nirvana, Binaca, and More

Violent Femmes Finally Spring for Bass Drum

By Jeff Bender

MILWAUKEE — Legendary folk-punk group Violent Femmes announced Thursday that the band has finally bought a bass drum after 44 years of using just a snare and, occasionally, a 22” Weber Kettle Grill, excited sources reported.

“I want to be clear that this is just a trial period. We found a used bass drum...