thehardtimes

Washington DC Tourism Tip

WASHINGTON — The world-renowned Smithsonian Institute announced the giant rear-end props used by Sir Mix-a-Lot in the famous “Baby Got Back” music video came into their possession and will be on display for museumgoers to gaze at, confirmed multiple large butt enthusiasts.

“All of us at the Smithsonian National Museum of American History are elated to have the opportunity to preserve, as well as display, the historic 12-foot butt cheeks for all our visitors,” Lisa Gomez, a representative of the Institute stated. �...

GWAR Costumes Ranked by How Hard They Would Make Selling Insurance

So you sold out and got yourself a little corporate job selling insurance. Congrats! However, in order to sell insurance and actually support yourself with it, you need charisma, people skills, and some level of intelligence, and a good work ethic. And you have none of those qualities. So what now? You think back to the time you took your girlfriend to a GWAR concert. She was appalled. You were inspired. You felt like you could do more with your life. You could be anyone or anything if you set your mind to it. Your life peaked here.

2024-02-01 16:46:34 +0000 UTC View Post

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I’d never considered myself a hero until I was staring down the prison industrial complex and made the law relent, all it took was unwavering courage, and the best lawyers on the West Coast all hired by my rich father.

Let me paint the scene, it was a Saturday night and I was driving home from a show at the DIY venue/cocaine empire I manage when tragedy struck. I may have been crushing Four Lokos and speeding, I may have swerved into oncoming traffic, I may have hit a guy crossing the street. I don’t entirely remember. A...

Do you need a hoodie?

PALO ALTO, Calif. — A hot new startup company just launched a revolutionary weather app for aging punks that lets you know if it’s cold enough to put a hoodie on, previously freezing sources confirmed.

“It’s like Shazam but for the weather. Or something like that,” said Jamie Ingram, creator of the Hoodie Weather app. “The key is its simplicity. Other weather apps are so complicated and give you way too much information. How hot is it? Is it raini...

Boomer Coverage

MORGANTOWN, W. Va. — Local dad and all-around asshole Bert Smilovic failed to understand criticism of his storytelling techniques which involve reducing all people to unhelpful demographics, his enraged children reported.

“My Gen-Z wannabe socialist kids are all mad that I like to paint a picture with my stories, just like that gay Black guy Basquiat,” blurted Smilovic, the thrice-divorced father of five. “I was telling them about this ugly 2-out-of-10 who was screaming at me while pumping gas the other day. She was ...

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Some guys play it nice, others play it cool. Some take their time with a girl, and others are downright old-fashioned. Me? I don’t waste any time on that dinner and movie shit. As soon as I meet a girl I just get in there, do my thing, and then completely set aside my needs and wants for decades as the resulting child blossoms into the adult I dreamt they’d become. Go ahead and call me a disgusting womanizer, but I love the ladies and the ladies love me. Well, maybe not as much as the kiddos do. But hey, can’t keep this dog on the porc...

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WRENTHAM, Mass. — Proud death metal fan parents Danica and Brandon Asheim were so excited about their five-year-old son’s first attempt at drawing a horrific image of a mutilated corpse that they hung it on their refrigerator, sources who cum blood confirmed.

“Our little Cerberus is really growing up and we’re so proud! He used to just draw boring poser shit like terrible A-frame houses, dogs, and kids playing outside all with stupid smiles on their faces. Like, even the sun would have a dumb smile!” said the proud...

Neuralink Update

FREMONT, Calif — Neuralink owner Elon Musk announced Neuralink Premium which will allow anyone using his implantable brain–computer interfaces to maintain basic bodily functions for $8 a month.

“This is a big step forward for humanity. If things keep moving forward at this rate then this will be a consumer product anyone can have lodged in their brain in less than a decade. Just think how easy it will be to turn on your television just by thinking ‘turn on television.’ No more reaching upwards of three feet away fo...

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BRIGHTON, N.J. — Local medical marvel Rex Reynolds was reportedly born with a rare condition that made him a fan of rockabilly culture from birth, which was expected to pass after a period of time, several sources reported.

“It’s really the most curious case that I’ve ever seen in my three months as a pediatrician,” Dr. George Alan said. “Normally, when punk couples have kids, the child has a whole life of chaos ahead of them. But in this case, little Rex seems to be doomed to drag racing and hollow-bodied guitars from the ...

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I’m usually a pretty laid-back guy and take things as they come, but it’s tough putting trust in my new Otolaryngologist. While I was doing my due diligence looking up their credentials online I discovered a treasure trove of strange unboxing videos from a YouTuber named “EarNoseThroatGoat.” It turns out that the guy who is about to do my biopsy, Dr. Hanson, has a small following doing this niche content. That’s gotta be a red flag, right?

I get that some people need a side hustle to make a little extra cash or some folks wan...

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LOS ANGELES – 26-year-old punk Max Goldstein unfortunately sustained an injury in a mosh pit immediately after being kicked off his parents’ insurance plan, concerned sources confirmed.

“Yeah, it was nuts. My friends and I stopped by a house show the day after my birthday. I decided to go into the pit, like I always do. When someone just barely brushed past me, all of my bones immediately turned to dust, “ said Goldstein solemnly. “They had to stop the show, turn the lights on, and sweep the remains of my skeleton into a dust...

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They say that home is where you make it, and when I found out that my favorite hometown watering hole was replaced with a Panera Bread, I decided to put the sentiment to the test. I had to pour one out for Splunky’s, but I really ended up pouring out like 14. Hell, most of the time my buddies and I would be half in the bag before even arriving on dollar draught night. Just because the good old days are long gone doesn’t mean I can’t turn it up and have an unforgettable evening of my own design.

Luckily, I always roll in style, an...

Los Angeles Taxes at Work

LOS ANGELES — The Los Angeles Police Department announced that in response to requests from the public they are now allocating $50,000 of their budget towards de-escalation training while maintaining the normal $1 Billion they use for their standard escalation training.

“I’m glad we were finally able to get some resources for these valuable techniques in the budget,” said de-escalation counselor Luigi Prestifillipo. “I kept advocating for getting some sort of training for our officers and how they should learn how to bring a ...

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KERFUFFLEVILLE — Bozo, a punk mouse living in the fictional children’s book town of Kerfuffleville, has reportedly taken up residence in a Marlboro Red carton, confirmed a whimsical assortment of anthropomorphic animals.

“I’ve been riding the rails and drifting from town to town. I finally landed here and I want to settle in, maybe start a band or something,” said Bozo, stretched out on a long discarded baby sock with a half-eaten piece of Gouda in his mouth. “I have lived in a ton of different places over the years, shabby...

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As a TikTok influencer first and a father second, I can tell you with  absolute authority and no small amount of daddy rizz that raising a kid  in Los Angeles is no Sunday trip to Mendocino Farms.

That’s why when my beloved son Yugi-Oh “Vine” Norris turned 15 ½, I  needed to teach him to drive in a way that was both defensive and  click-worthy. After freebooting other people’s parenting vids for six  hours, I came up with my best original idea since “Relatable Things  Sociopaths Do” hit #6 on ...

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SAN BERNADINO, Calif. — Redditor Nick Charles is reportedly  “absolutely fuming” about how disrespectful it is for an artist to  insert herself into her work, especially after the decades of men who  did it first and are still actively celebrated, sources confirmed.

Charles was reportedly shown irrefutable evidence on a subreddit  dedicated to “fighting mind viruses of any kind” that the Mary-Jane  Watson character in Spider-Man 2’s story vaguely resembles one of the head w...

Six Songs We're Listening To This Week To Avoid Whatever Ben Shapiro Just Released

It's almost February, which means the horrors of winter are nearly halfway over. While you’ve been floundering and lamenting the lack of sunlight in your day, a flurry of new sounds has been occurring just outside your black-out curtain-covered window. We don't blame you for missing it. Everyone knows you aren't particularly renowned for your observational skills.

That being said, we can't in good conscience leave you in the literal dark like this for even a second longer. Our esteemed staff of music experts has taken on the Herculea...

2024 Election Coverage

WASHINGTON — President Joe Biden unveiled his new 2024 campaign slogan which promises voters he will die in office soon after being elected, DNC officials confirmed.

“Listen up Jack, I know people are saying I’m too old, that I look like a corpse that escaped the morgue, and that children scream whenever I’m on the television because they think a skeleton is coming to steal their bones, but I need your support in 2024,” said the incumbent. “When you go into the ballot box in November just know a vote for me is a vote for a ...

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It’s no surprise that my parents disapprove of my singer/songwriter boyfriend, but when my besties started calling his financial situation and all of his personality traits “red flags,” I had to defend our relationship. Like, I know he doesn’t make as much as their boyfriends with their soulless nine to fives, but I like that he’s doing something non-traditional. They clearly don’t understand that his narcissism, depression, and an undying obsession with fame is all part of his journey.

They just need to put positive spins ...

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HANSON, Mass. — Local man Ryan Cook reportedly spent his entire 40th birthday reassuring himself he’s not that old, despite calling himself geriatric 10 years prior on the same day, sources close to the man confirmed.

“I remember turning 30 and thinking, ‘Well this is it, I should prepare a will and pick out a burial plot before my brain turns to goo.’ But that’s not how it played out at all, my 30s were pretty good. My metabolism slowed a little bit and I started going to bed an hour earlier, but that’s about it,” said...

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NEW LONDON, Conn. — A local family is torn over whether to memorialize their late daughter with a podcast or a Netflix special that will document her abduction and brutal murder, confirmed sources slowly circling the story.

“These last few days have just been a whirlwind of emotions. How is anyone supposed to live through this and then continue to deal with life’s constant curveballs?” said Gregory Wellington, father of the tragically fallen teen. “On one hand, podcasts seem more accessible. Anyone can listen, and you can do ...

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I’m not what you’d think of when you think of a celebrity chef. I’m a white guy who grew up upper middle class, but wanted to “find himself” doing “real labor”. But after I realized how much that sucks, I had my dad make a few calls, and now I’m an accountant. But I do think I’ve got that special something. That “Yo No Se Qua”. Because I straight up don’t know how to cook, but I just made some pretty decent soup and I yell at people a lot.

Look, I’ve barely even heard of the Culinary Institute of America or Ja...

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BOSTON — Local man Scotty Donovan, the former vocalist of semi-popular Boston Hardcore band Winter Hill, is thriving at his new career as the cop who yells at anyone stopped by the curb at Logan Airport, stressed-out sources confirmed.

“After we played our farewell show, I thought I’d never be able to yell ‘move the fuck up motherfuckers’ ever again, and it broke my heart. But then I started a shift directing traffic at the airport and I’ve never felt more at home,” said Donovan while drinking a cup of Honey Dew Donuts co...

New Venue in Town

SAN DIEGO — Former music venue The Everybody Inn, which specialized in metal and finger-crust shows from 2001 until it was shuttered by the city in 2020 for thousands of code violations reopened last month without any changes, sources confirmed.

“It used to suck before it started falling apart. We’re talking your typical, capitalist, corporate establishment…ample parking, accessible circuit breaker, a sound guy who was always smiling…it was torture. After it closed, we had to wait for all the documentary crews and GoFundMe le...

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I used to tell everyone I wanted a beach body, but then I realized it’s stupid to spend hours a day doing grueling exercises to match a stereotypical “ideal” body type. That’s why I’ll be spending hours a day doing grueling exercises to look how I really want to look—like one of those spooky, fucked-up fish from the depths of the sea.

I used to have a goal weight, but I’ve got new goals now. My new goals? Inspire fear. Thrive in the darkness. Devour any lesser beings that cross me. Also, I want to get back into knitting.<...

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KANSAS CITY, Mo. — Famed journalist and serviette Nardwuar was reportedly “upset and disturbed” after his most recent interview with pop star Taylor Swift unraveled into bland pleasantries about facts everybody already knew.

“I hit Taylor with everything I had, but each time I brought up something obscure some 13-year-old behind me kept finishing my sentences. I had Taylor’s first-ever Yak Bak recording from age 6, but apparently that’s already trending on Deezer,” said a visibly shaken, sweating Nardwuar in between sadly...

Discount code, small community update

Hello!

Because of your generosity and support today we were able to give a small bump in pay to the freelancers who generate a big chunk of the headlines on our sites. A common comment we get is "give this person a raise" when readers see a headline they like. Today you helped us do that.  As we continue to work on paying down debt, we are going to do everything we can to keep this trajectory for our people.

Thank you.

We've also finalized our discount code for Patrons. POSEUR20 for anything on 2024-01-25 23:54:34 +0000 UTC View Post

Jon Stewart Returns

NEW YORK — Comedy Central announced that Jon Stewart is returning to host  “The Daily Show” on Mondays citing what he believes to be “A shameful failure (by major networks) to criticize the nepotism and warmonger puppeteering” of former president George W. Bush.

“You turn on the news today and it’s all these vapid, empty-calorie stories about celebrities like Donald Trump. Why are we even spending time talking about that guy? There is virtually no mention of George W. Bush, our government’s failure to find evidence...

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SAN FRANCISCO — A new campaign of directly targeted Hims ads on television and streaming platforms are calling out multiple bald or sexually inadequate men by name, confirmed sources wondering why they have been singled out.

“I was catching up on ‘The Bear’ and a very beige commercial came on talking about how a lot of men have erectile dysfunction. All of a sudden it flashed a photo of me on screen and a voiceover said ‘Including this dud named Gavin who is only 32 and couldn’t get hard if his life depended on it,’” sa...

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Someone told me you find my communication style “passive-aggressive” and “conflict-avoidant to the point that it creates a bigger problem than there was in the first place.” I’ve actually been sending crystal clear signals by avoiding eye contact and sighing with exasperation after every time I speak to you, during which I use the bare minimum of words and respond with phrases like “Really? Ok, if you’re sure, I guess,” and “Um, sure, I’ll see if I can help you with that, but I don’t know, I’m pretty busy right now an...