thehardtimes

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PITTSBURGH – Philip Hansley, a self-proclaimed “scholar and devotee” of the progressive rock genre, expressed his outward frustration about having to wait for an unskippable 15-second commercial to finish playing before he could watch a video, several unshaven sources report.

“This is fucking bullshit,” Hansley was heard yelling at his laptop, six seconds into an ad for online pet care retailer Chewy after he realized the “Skip” button wasn’t going to show up as early as he was hoping it would.  “Why is it taking...

Academy Awards Coverage

Alright, look, so the last month has been really difficult, okay. We got behind on some projects. We had couples therapy to miss. We had rehab to skip out on. Jury duty to dodge. It’s been a whole thing. And to top it off the only person we have on staff who has seen any of these movies got absolutely demolished by a police horse. This horse really messed him up.

Well, unfortunately, this was not a year where brevity translated to success and we really didn’t have twenty-plus hours to kill watching all these films. But fortunately�...

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FAIRFAX, Va. — Local sixth-grader Kenny Jenkins suddenly took up vaping in hopes of charming his older brother’s sex robot, sources close to the modern-day love triangle reported.

“Vaping is my true passion,” Jenkins proclaimed before nearly dry heaving to death on a micro hit. “Anyone who says I only vape to impress my brother’s pleasure bot is reading too far into it. The fact I started vaping the same day he got her or that I seem to wait until she’s looking to take a big dramatic drag is sheer coincidence. So what if ...

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This is the loneliest day of my life! I got a very heavy package delivered today. Don’t believe me? It had, not one, but two “Heavy” stickers stuck to the box. And I heroically carried it up to my apartment all by myself, and not a single person was around to see it and cheer me on.

The second I got the delivery confirmation email, I sprinted down to the mailroom. I was hoping I’d run into the driver so he’d have to hand it directly to me. He’d ask, “Whoa, you sure you got this?” and I’d say, “Yeah, I’m fine! I be...

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ORLANDO, Fla. — Audience members were disgusted to see local music fan Dylan Avalos singing along for the entirety of The Long Shower’s set, despite not having the microphone pointed at him, multiple irate sources confirmed.

“I really didn’t think this was a huge deal. I wasn’t even screaming along, I was just kind of singing like anyone does in their car, but it seemed to really piss some people off. I think someone hit me with their shoe at one point when I was singing along with the song ‘Jessica Thinks,’ and that suck...

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PORTLAND, Ore. — Following examination of his birth certificate, sources confirmed that KillEmAll_88, a teammate you were matched with while playing Dota 2, only has that number in his username because he was born in the year 1988. Thank god.

“It’s like me saying that about the  other team,” explained the gamer, who had recently turned 36 years old,  in defense of his username. “You know, ‘Ooh, we’re gonna win! Kill ‘em  all!’ You won’t believe how many times I’ve had ...

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FRESNO, Calif. — A 33-year old millennial is reportedly joining Bluesky in order to relive their fond memories of Tumblr's peak, not-quite-middle-aged sources have confirmed.

“I know everyone said Tumblr died a long time ago, but I was hoping it'd still make a comeback,” said Alex Dalton, who said they have had several accounts on the platform starting as early as 2007. “I think it’s finally time to move on, though. I was always afraid of Twitter and Instagram because they were so different. I mean, how am I ...

On the latest episode of "House Hunters"

GAINESVILLE, Fla. — A new episode of the hit HGTV series “House Hunters” is being applauded for its realism after a millennial couple on the show had to choose between a home with deadly asbestos and one actively on fire, according to desperate sources excited to finally own property.

“Because of our stagnant wages and crippling debt, we never thought we’d ever be homeowners, but look at us now!” stated Laura Drysdale as she coughed up blood. “It was a tough choice between finalists because both had so much curb appeal, b...

Genre defying reporting

Many frustrations come with being an accomplished boundary-defying musical artist such as myself. But the biggest might be people trying to fit me into that unbearably restrictive box known as “genre.” This is why I now feel the need to go on the record finally and insist that nobody try to attach that kind of reductive label to my music. The only exception is if it happens to be one of the subgenres I’ve deemed would give me clout to be associated with.

Years ago, a roommate introducing me to her boyfriend told him that I make �...

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WILMINGTON, N.C. — Ambient musician Julian Sino’s latest album is being hailed as a masterpiece, but fans still don’t think it’s as good as “The Office” for background noise, sheepish sources confirm.

“Sino said in an interview that he created the piece amidst a devastating hurricane. He described the experience of watching his beloved hometown being ravaged right outside his studio,” said longtime fan Hudson Lozano, turning down the TV behind him. “Instead of stopping to mourn, he recorded the cacophony and slowed it...

Romance in the Workplace

MIAMI — A local couple working from home was reported that they were left with no choice but to start sleeping with one another, according to sources nostalgic for a quick shag in the office breakroom.

“Ever since Katie and I started working from home full-time, we’ve been forced to flirt with each other throughout the day. One thing led to another and let’s just say I have a new ‘work wife’ who just so happens to be my girlfriend of seven years,” stated Brad DeAngelo. “Sure, we hated having to go into a physical office...

Big news from Nikki Haley

PORTSMOUTH, N.H. —  Presidential hopeful Nikki Haley says she is committed to remaining in the race for the 2024 Republican Presidential Nominee while also fully endorsing frontrunner Donald Trump, confirmed campaign officials.

“I’m going to stand and fight for the Republican Party and together we can take America in a new direction,” said Haley. “That’s why New Hampshire is so important. The voters here can make a difference and show the world they want an alternative. I’d also like to announce that I back Donald Tr...

Celebrity Coverage

It’s no secret that celebs live glitzy and glam-filled lives beyond the grasp of our normal and non-rich minds, but from time to time it’s nice to remember that in many ways, they’re actually just like us! That’s right— just like us, these A-listers are ultimately left with two possible outcomes in life: dying tragically or witnessing all their loved ones pass away before they also go themselves. Read on to see which celebs are just like us!

Dua Lipa

2024-01-22 15:00:10 +0000 UTC View Post

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CHICAGO — Colin Meloy appeared on stage an hour early during a recent Decemberists show to illuminate the crowd on how the power shifted from the Swedish Empire to the Tsardom of Russia in terms of controlling Baltic maritime trade routes following the Great Nordic War, enraptured sources confirmed.

“The folks here seemed like they were very well seasoned in rock and roll shows. I could tell they’ve done this and been here before. I elected to not bore them with some anecdote of the great Chicago fire, or ramble on about how what...

Nikki Haley Excludes Slavery in Answer About Palworld Issues

CONCORD, N.H. – Republican presidential candidate Nikki Haley was asked by a New Hampshire gamer about her thoughts on the online debate surrounding Palworld, and she launched right into an on-the-spot review that didn’t mention capturing humans and selling them to vendors once, eye witnesses confirmed.

Haley praised Pocketpair’s overnight success in a town hall filled with over 200 gamers.

“The real issue, and the heart of the ethical concerns, is how Pokemon have been deprived of their Second Amendment Right to own a hi...

BREAKING:

Palworld, an ARK-like survival crafting game with Pokemon-like  characters, made gaming history today according to SteamDB, surpassing 1.5 million active concurrent online arguments about it.

One user, who has logged 40 hours in the game, explained their side of the argument.

“Wow! 1.5 million. It’s exciting to be part of this moment in gaming  history,” JnnyBravo said. “Now if only I could convince these Disney  Adult scolds to see stealing from a megacorp like Game Freak isn’t something worth defending ...

BREAKING:

Palworld, an ARK-like game described as Pokemon with guns, has seen  concurrent player numbers swell into record-breaking territory this  week. But according to execs behind the game the team is not  celebrating, choosing rather to spend the time preparing for an attack  from their most feared enemy: Hbomberguy.

Developer Pocket Pair is  aware that it’s only a matter of time before Hbomberguy sets his sights  on Palworld for a video. Palworld execs say that when that day comes,  they’ll be ready.<...

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Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has always dedicated his life to two things: public service, and public humiliation. Even as he worked tirelessly to help the people of Florida address their everyday problems, like woke cartoons, he always managed to find time to embarrass himself. But underneath it all, there was an ambition to reach higher office and levels of humiliation that always just seemed out of his reach. So when he announced his intentions to finally get off by embarrassing himself nationally, the kinksters of the Republican Party kn...

Eight Songs We're Listening To This Week While Waiting For Our Offer Letter From GQ

The world is in a constant state of change. Always evolving, flowing, and altering its shape. It’s time you get with the program and stop floundering in your old ways. One of the easiest things you can do to improve your compatibility with the modern zeitgeist is make some upgrades to your musical taste. Considering the fact that you’ve consistently bitched about how music hasn't been good in nearly two decades, it�...

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LOS ANGELES — Dragula, the macabre drag racing car immortalized by musician Rob Zombie, believes today’s generation has become “soft,” exasperated sources confirm.

“Sure, call me the ‘c’ word,” said Dragula, referring to “conservative.” “But I had to dig my own way through the ditches. Nobody gave me a shovel as a handout. This snowflake generation doesn’t understand the value of hard work, they want the worm conquered on a silver platter for them. Do you think you’re entitled to a ‘Matrix’ needle drop? No...

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Ever since I was a little boy I've wanted to be the frontman of a world-famous group like The Beatles or Less Than Jake. Well after months of talking about it, I finally got the boys together and started our own band.

Problem is we don't have a bass player yet. But after weeks of searching, someone named Amelia Bedelia finally responded to our Craigslist ad. She said she'd never been in a band before, but she's a fast learner and has her own bass. Sounded good to me! I told her to come to my parent's garage tonight to jam. My dream had...

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FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. — The ongoing legal battles that are plaguing Donald Trump’s 2024 presidential prospects continue with last night’s announcement disqualifying him from contention for Modern Drummer’s upcoming Reader’s Poll.

“In light of recent news, we have decided to remove Donald Trump from the ballot in all drum performance categories for which he was nominated this year. As a special interest drumming periodical, we have always prioritized our thorough coverage of drummers, drumming, and article 3 of the 14th Amen...

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MANCHESTER, N.H. — The Foxhole Saloon, bartender Mickey Stevens reportedly maintains the trashy ambiance of the bar by dumping a beer on the floor every fifteen minutes, according to several grateful sources.

“Like clockwork, I fill up a draft beer, yell ‘make a hole!’ to alert bar patrons I’m about to dump this sucker straight onto the floor. This lets our guests know this isn’t some swanky establishment for the King of England, this is for hard-working, blue-collar folk who prefer drinking in squalor,” said Stevens as h...

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This is a joke, right? I’m not going out there! The air is literally attacking the ground right now, and you expect me to do the most vulnerable thing a dog can do? You can’t even watch my back when the grass is a mere whisper. How deeply must my squatting gaze pierce your soul to earn some protection? No matter what I do, your eyes are glued to that goddamn glow box. We’d be toast if a beast were lurking in the shadows. Or worse, a human doing something loud.

You’re still getting the drag-you straps, aren’t you? Let me be cr...

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NEW YORK — Muscle-bound Harm’s Way vocalist James Pligge scaled the Empire State Building and was seen attacking aircrafts that were sent to force him down, according to terrified spectators on the ground.

“He’s up there doing that hardcore ‘running man’ dance and batting those planes outta the air,” said Officer Herb Reynolds of the NYPD as he trained a spotlight on the rampaging Pligge. “First, we sent up a chopper with a negotiator on board, but Mr. Pligge did a roundhouse kick and sent it spiraling. Then the Air Nat...

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REDMOND, Wash — The latest entry in the Forza Motorsport series is set to become even more realistic as Turn 10 Studios has announced a new update that will add LED headlights to cars. Not only will this increase visibility on nighttime tracks for players but it will have the added benefit of blinding other online racers.

This will be the first major update to the game since it tepidly launched in October. Turn 10 says they knew LED headlights would have to be the first new feature added post-launch.

“We strive for excellence...

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NEW YORK — Local photographer and superhero alter-ego Peter Parker told sources close to him that he suspected he had left the stove on after his super-powered “Spider-sense” went off.

“Aw, man. This is the downside of having god-like powers,” said Parker. “Everyone thinks it’s all fun and games, but it can be really annoying, too. You see, my extra-sensory perception alerts me whenever something is wrong, whether it’s a villain about to attack me, a building that is in imminent danger of collapsing, or...

SAN DIEGO — Tax preparation software giant TurboTax announced a new feature that shows users exactly how much of their tax dollars are going to fund a war machine currently perpetrating genocide in Gaza, representatives confirmed.

“We understand a lot of people are frustrated about high taxes, often clenching their fists and screaming ‘What am I even paying for?’ when they see how much money is taken out of their paycheck. That’s where we come in. Our new Blood Calculator™ uses a proprietary algorithm to detail how every do...

Want to squeeze in a workout, but not really in the mood to go to the gym?

This helpful guide will provide you with an easy workout you can do right now, in your home, with the heaviest thing you have available -- the crushing weight of your own existence. No equipment necessary!

Start by Standing up and Reaching Both Arms Above Your Head

Reach, reach, reach and try to grab ahold of the nagging thought that your one wild and precious life on this Earth is being spent on the Sisyphean task of working 40 ho...

NEW YORK — Darren Gunderly, longtime guitarist for local doom metal band Lizard Fire, is blissfully unaware of the fact that the new guy at rehearsal he is showing the band’s songs to is actually his replacement, sources report.

“When we talked about the idea of getting a third guitar player, I was immediately super stoked about it even though it makes zero sense,” Gunderly explained as he put all of his gear into a box to be taken away. “Apparently, not only is this guy super talented and can catch on fast, the other guys sa...