thehardtimes

Art Giveaway Winner REVEALED

Hello patrons. It's time to reveal who won the coveted mutilated corpse drawing from last week! Bill's dog Murphy did an excellent job picking the winner. We will be contacting the lucky patron within the next 24 hours to get their address so we can get this one of a kind masterpiece shipped to you. Thanks everyone, we appreciate you and will have more giveaways coming very soon.

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ALEXANDRIA, Va. — Local man Ronny Stout’s blacked-out knuckle tattoos are forcing neighbors to assume the worst about what it used to say, suspicious sources confirmed.

“At first, I thought maybe it was just something dumb. I saw a guy on Reddit who had ‘BURRITOS’ once. But blackout seems so extreme; you’d probably just live with something a little embarrassing, right?” wondered Sydney Hodge, who recently met Stout at a barbecue. “Maybe he used to be in a gang or something? I just can’t picture the kind of ...

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Hold onto your hats partners, because the most sensational extravaganza of the year just blew into town. We may have just witnessed one of the most fantastic displays of talent in our modern times, effortlessly executed by a woman barely taller than a barstool.

That’s right folks, gather ‘round because we’re looking at the second coming of Annie Oakley because this firebrand just shot down ten guys in six seconds.

“I was just doing what comes naturally. Men are pretty dumb where I’m from, and pretty much everywhere I’...

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SALT LAKE CITY— Local band The Collective’s ambitious attempt at creating a groundbreaking concept album about a humanoid race of people bringing joy and love to Earth accidentally resulted in the perfect soundtrack for the newest Kia Sorento, commercial reps confirmed.

“This album is an amalgamation of all of our previous work, a true reflection of our deepest emotions and creative journey,” said lead guitarist Jake Thornfield, “We wanted to create a rich and complex listening experience, and I think we did that. Unfortunate...

Ian Miles Cheong First Recipient of Neuralink Thanks to Inherently Low Risk of Damaging Intellect

FREMONT- Ian Miles Cheong was revealed to be the first recipient of  Elon Musk’s Neuralink brain device implant thanks to the inherently low  risk that drilling into his brain would damage anything functional  anyways, company officials and doctors said today via a press release.

Nadia Samson, a spokesperson for Neuralink spoke about the ground-breaking first human test subject.

“All  of the preliminary scans showed very little overall activity, so the  whole thing seemed pretty low risk,” Samson sa...

Jordan Peterson Crying Two Minutes Into Debate With Elmo

Public intellectual Jordan Peterson reportedly broke down into a loud  sobbing fit just two minutes into a debate on the future of Western  Civilization with muppet character Elmo.

The debate, promoted as  the culmination of a long-standing feud between the prominent professor  and muppet, was not released. According to sources close to the  incident, filming was abruptly stopped to avoid, “what seemed like could  become a violent situation.”

Peterson, who says he collects art  made by victi...

HBO Max Unveils Ominous New “Don’t Get Too Attached” Category

NEW YORK — Popular digital streamer Max, formerly HBO Max,  recently unveiled a foreboding new “Don’t Get Too Attached” category to  its platform, according to nervous sources scrambling to find out what  that means.

“We’re excited to offer this new feature to all our  loyal viewers who we’ve tormented over the years,” said Warner Bros.  Discovery CEO David Zaslav. “After we received backlash for randomly and  unexpectedly scrapping so much content, we thought it would be...

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DALLAS — A recent scientific study has found that transgender  women who compete in women’s esports leagues have an unfair biological  advantage in receiving online harassment.

“We found no meaningful  evidence supporting the idea that transgender women have biological  advantages over cisgender women while playing competitive video games,”  said head researcher Dr. Melanie Parker. “Other than the fact trans  women consistently exceeded everyone else in the frequency and intensit...

Friends Stage Intervention Following Gamer’s Most Recent Horny Statue Purchase

CHICAGO - Friends of Chicago gamer Brandon Proski, avid collector of horny video game and anime statues, have staged an intervention following his latest purchase of a statue depicting Street Fighter’s Chun Li mid-squat.

“I was on my way back from meeting my dealer, mentally rearranging my display shelf to make room for Chun Li, when I noticed all of my friends' cars outside my building,” Proski said. “I didn’t think I had a problem. I guess they saw it differently.”

Amanda Smith, Proski’s ex-girlfriend, says the co...

The Top 10 Cannabis Strains to Give You a Panic Attack While Watching “The Bear”

The cannabis industry has seen massive expansion over the last few years, and with recreational use now legal in 24 States (with more expected next election) more people have access to more strains than ever before! Unfortunately, increased variety brings confusion to some users.

Different strains of cannabis can have radically different effects. Most users know that in general, sativas are energizing and uplifting while indicas tend to be more sedative, but what specific strains should you try to treat pain? Which ones have the most a...

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WASHINGTON — The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service announced today that they reintroduced the American jock to the ecosystem in order to counteract what they call a “worryingly large” population of nerds.

“A dearth of wild meatheads has led to an explosion in the nerd population over the past decade,” explained department spokesperson Nick Teller. “In cities and towns across this nation, this invasive genus continues to proliferate, whether in the form of the Lesser Spotted Weeb or the Flat Footed Magic Player. Without packs o...

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It’s been eight months since the company I worked for replaced everyone in our call center with artificial intelligence software and walked us out the door. I’m still pissed, but I get it. Telemarketing isn’t brain surgery, and it was only a matter of time before computers figured out how to sling testosterone boosters to lonely sad sacks and conspiracy freaks.

But you can’t convince me that this is the same AI we’re constantly being told poses an existential threat to humanity – I just don’t see how Skynet ends up enslav...

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NEW YORK — Local man Doug Clearing has been accused of shouting his relationship problems into friend Lewis Samson’s ear during the band Mudd Butt’s best song of their set, annoyed sources confirmed.

“I promised myself I wouldn’t bring Jessica up, but I just couldn’t help it,” Clearing admitted. “Mud Butt started playing this song that reminded me of her. We’re on a break because she says I’m too vanilla. She wants to try pegging and keeps talking about opening the relationship. I’m just not ready for either of th...

The joys of aging

HARTFORD, Conn. — Elder millennial Thomas Sharpe is reportedly in “critical and deteriorating condition” after erroneously believing that his haggard husk of a body could handle a second of shot of Goldschlager, sources who wish they could just die already confirmed.

“Well, it looks like this is the end. I just wanted to go out for beers with the guys from my old band, Trash Cumpactor. But now I guess I’m just gonna continuously sweat and vomit myself to death in this janky hospital,” bemoaned Sharpe, while simul...

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Hey man, you ok? You’ve been looking a little down lately. From 93 til infinity, we’ve always been honest with each other. Are things going well in your relationship?

If you’re having girl problems, I feel bad for you, son. That can be really tough— you’ll feel a lot better if you get those feelings out and talk about them. Want to go get some ice cream and chat bud? I’m paying. I know a good place right around the corner just past the crossroads. They have 99 flavors but a peach ain’t one, sadly.

Sometimes in relat...

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BROCKTON, Mass. — Local beatdown hardcore band Blood Reaper drastically changed their appearance and sound just two months after members of the band began using Ozempic, multiple sources confirmed.

“We used to walk into a venue and people would scramble to get out of our way because they were afraid we would beat the crap out of them. Now nobody moves when I’m trying to load gear. I have to be like ‘let me scooch past you.’ It’s kind of humiliating,” said frontman Matty “Meat” Heller. “And the more weight we lose th...

Eight Songs We're Listening to This Week To Celebrate the End of Dry January

We’ve all survived another January ripe with unfulfilled resolutions and horrifyingly sober weekends during semi-successful attempts at making the month ‘dry.’ Now it’s February. Winter is halfway over and you can drink to your heart’s content while enjoying gradually increasing sunlight and undoing all the progress you’ve made the month prior. Before you get too excited, though, please consider that you will also need to start thinking about your spring playlists. Your current roster is just full discographies of bands that brok...

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The English language is full of words and phrases that many people think sound disgusting. At this point it's actually become sort of cliche. “Ewww don't say ‘moist,’ it just sounds gross, I hate that word!” Or “Ughh, come on, ‘would I like to round up my change for charity?’ Barf!”

But, like several people my age, what really makes me absolutely sick to my stomach is when I mention that I still play in a band at the age of 33. Yuck.

Just typing those words out makes me want to wretch. And I apol...

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SIMSBURY, Conn. — Local NFT enthusiast Harris Woods was dumbstruck at a Chili’s on Saturday night when after years of being shot down, his pickup line actually worked, confirmed multiple bystanders.

“I went with the old standby of ‘everyone says dating is a numbers game, so can I have yours? and I was just about to rip a huge fart to leave her with as soon as she gave me the cold shoulder, but she did something I’ve never seen before,” said the 32-year-old. “Instead of telling me to ‘fuck off’ like a normal woman, she...

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So, you turned 25, and you finally stole enough money from parking meters to get a business license. The next step? Growing that business to the level of class traitor. If you want to find out what’s next you’ve come to the right place. That is, the right place to finally hear what a piece of shit you are. Let’s get one thing out of the way, no one in this town will forget when you and your old friend Slim burned down the garage behind the police station. Now you’re trying to overcome your debt and finally give your son a decent birt...

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WINNIPEG, Manitoba — Loyal Weakerthans fan Tim Ezra was shocked to find that the city that inspired many melancholy, somber ballads is so dreary, cold, and gray, several seasonally-affected sources confirmed.

“I really expected the hometown of my favorite overly-literate Canadian indie-punk band to be a vibrant, soulful community with a thriving local arts scene where young songwriters could nurture their craft,” said Ezra while shivering outside a Tim Hortons. “Instead, the place that inspired John K. Samson’s subdued, emoti...

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With so many people openly talking about their struggles with mental health, it can be hard to stand out from the pack. You’re spiraling but you feel like you’re just not as creative as others. After all, somebody from work got “I Go To Therapy” tattooed on their arm, and your sister’s husband announced he’s on SSRIs by dancing to an Olivia Rodrigo song on TikTok.

Well never fear! These classic lines from movies are a foolproof way to not only show that you care about the art of cinema but also that you may be a danger to y...

Well, it's Groundhog Day... again...

PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pa. — Punxsutawney Phil, he world’s most famous groundhog, admitted he did not see his shadow which is expected to usher in early spring, and also went on a long-winded rant about the Chiefs, Taylor Swift, and the NFL, confirmed multiple sources in attendance.

“Well folks it looks like I have good news this year, spring is coming early. Put away your snow shovels and let the good times roll,” said Phil in his native language Groundhogese. “Also, bet big on the Chiefs during the Super Bowl. I know they are underd...

boygenius Hiatus

LOS ANGELES — Lucy Dacus, Phoebe Bridgers, and Julien Baker announced boygenius will be taking a hiatus after they realized that they can no longer sustain their streak of iconic photoshoots, band reps reported.

“We knew ‘the album’ and the tour was a watershed moment in indie music, while we were prepared for a lot of press, we didn’t think it would lead to an endless string of culturally momentous photoshoots. I mean, yeah, they all came out amazing, but now we’re being hounded by renowned photographers with U-...

Every Gang From “The Warriors” Ranked by Our Conservative Uncle’s Fear of the City

Our Uncle Hewlit was never the brightest bulb in the box. He’s the sort of guy who is highly susceptible to conspiracy theories like QAnon, thinks Barack Obama is a Satanist, and believes New York City, a place he has never been to and will proudly never go to, is the most dangerous place on Earth. Every Thanksgiving he was honestly surprised to see us alive and constantly asked when we planned on moving back home.

Over-sensationalizing the violence in major cities is nothing out of the ordinary for conservatives of a cert...

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LAS CRUCES, N.M. — Local man Gregory Cross had a distinct mullet that either made him seem like the most racist person at the bar or a pansexual communist, confirmed sources sitting at the edge of their seat awaiting confirmation either way.

“It’s a coin toss,” said Caleb Garcia, a confused bar patron. “Trucker jacket, mullet, stick and poke tattoos, cowboy boots. He’s either read every book on communist theory there is and attracted to all genders or thinks any book that isn’t the Bible should be burned and ro...

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Yo dawg, what’s the 411 with the shorties these days? I was just rolling with the homies and spittin’ mad ‘90s slang and these Gen-Z jabronies wanna give me the gas face? As if!

So peep this. There I was just mindin’ my own with my posse while giving them the download on this fly honey (who is all that and a bag of chips) that I wanna knock boots with when all the sudden these Gen-Z kids come out of nowhere and start grillin’ me. “Hey, why are you talking like some MTV host about to introduce a new TLC video?” ...

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SESAME STREET — The owner of used record store Mono Mono (Doot-Doo DooDooDoo) rejected a large clutch of records from longtime Street resident Cookie Monster due to the dubious bite shapes in them, sources confirmed amidst errant crumbs flying every which-way.

“This isn’t the first time that googly-eyed menace has tried to pull a fast one on me, and from now on, this episode is brought to that fuzzy blue freak by the number ‘86’ as far as I’m concerned,” said record purveyor Garry Grooves, as his little felt ar...

Original art giveaway

Hello patrons. Thank you for your continued support as the slow march of time grinds us all down. Our co-founder/Editor-in-Chief drew the picture above to use as part of the art in this article: Death Metal Parents Put Son’s First Horrific Mutilated Corpse Drawing On Refrigerator

Would you like to have this museum-worthy piece of priceless art on display in your home? This is s...

The latest from Adidas

PORTLAND, Ore. —Sneakerheads around the country are celebrating after Adidas announced that they’ll be liquidating their stocks of remaining Yeezy shoes to make room for the new Mountain Goats signature sneakers.

“I’m 95% sure these the Mountain Goats aren’t going to say anything anti-Semitic and have multiple highly publicized mental breakdowns,” said Adidas CEO Bjorn Gulden. “We made Yeezys and they sold like gangbusters. Next thing you know Kanye’s talking about how he’s actually Jewish, how he likes Hit...