Bitter Karella

Midnight Pals: Dad Jokes

Stephen King: so i was down at the bookstore and they were throwing my books around
Dean Koontz: oh no! why were they doing that?
King: well dean
Koontz: they could damage the books!
King: well dean
Koontz: or hurt someone!
King: well dean
Koontz: or
King: let me finish dean

King: i was all 'what's going on?' and then IT hit me
Koontz: why were they doing it?
King: well IT hit me
Koontz:
King: see, IT is the title of one of my
King: oh for pete's sake
King: the rest of you ...

Midnight Pals: Substack Attack

Thomas Monteleone: hey everyone you may remember how last year i got really mad about the blacks and the trans
Monteleone: but I've had a year to think about it
Monteleone: and I've decided to start a substack
Poe: oh no
King: oh no
Barker: oh no
Koontz: oh no
Lovecraft:


Monteleone: don't worry, i anticipated your interest in my substack
Monteleone: so I've taken the liberty of subscribing you all to MONTELEONE'S MUMBLINGS
Monteleone: welcome to my twisted world!
Monteleone: you're welcome

M...

Midnight Pals: The Monkey's Paw

WW Jacobs: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the monkey's paw
Jacobs: it's about a monkey paw that grants wishes
King: sounds great!
Jacobs: no it's not
Jacobs: it's really bad actually

Jacobs: see, the thing is the monkey's paw grants wishes IRONICALLY
Jacobs: like a real asshole genie or something

Jacobs: there's this british couple and they use it to wish for money, but then their son dies in a horrible industrial accident and they get the insurance mo...

Midnight Pals: 10,000 pounds of Spaghetti

[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: what newssss?
Rowling: allisssson how goess the lawsssuit againssst ssstonewall?
Allison Bailey: GREAT NEWS!
Bailey: if losing were winning, then we just totally won!
Rowling:

Rowling: ssee, thiss sssilver-tongued eloquence isss why you're the bessst lawyer in the bussinesss!
Bailey: thanks, dark lord!
Rowling: or you would be if you ACTUALLY WON ANY CASSSESSS
Bailey: i
Bailey: oh
Rowling: how could you lose? i ga...

Midnight Pals: Poltergeist

Steven Spielberg: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I call this the tale of the poltergeist
Spielberg: now unfortunately, i'm kinda committed to tell a different story over at space coven tonight
Spielberg: so my good friend tobe hooper is gonna tell this one for me
Tobe Hooper: it's actually pronounced toe-bee
Spielberg:
Spielberg: what

Tobe Hooper: so this is a story about an average suburban family who suddenly finds a ghost in their TV
Spielberg: hey can i add something
Hooper: steve you s...

Midnight Pals: Feral

Gemma Amor: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the feral
Amor: ladies, let me ask you
Amor: the things we do to be pretty, ugh!
Amor: wouldn't it be easier to be a wolf?

Amor: look at how modern life oppresses us!
Angela Carter: preach it sister!
Amor: aren't you tired of putting on make-up everyday?
Carter: that's right!
Tabitha King: yeah!
Sonia Greene: yeah!
Mary Shelley: yeah! fuck make up!
Patricia Highsmith: aw but broads clean up so nice
Highsmith: i t...

Midnight Pals: Ghoul Rules

Brian McNaughton: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the throne of bones
McNaughton: ok so get this what if there was a whole giant necropolis full of ghouls
McNaughton: and also ghoul fuckers

McNaughton: we follow Blux Beepo, a local pervert who considers himself an artist and his medium is ghoul fucking
McNaughton: now Blux Beepo may not be the darling of the elite critics who prefer the more commercial pop art of quiet seduction, who recoil at his garish colors and violent juxtap...

Midnight Pals: Election

[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: how goesss the election?
Rowling: did we win?
Posie Parker: good news!
Parker: if words meant the opposite of what they do, then yes we won!
Rowling: excellent, excellent, that'ss great
Rowling: wait a ssec

Rowling: confound you, you ssilver tongued devil!!
Rowling: how iss thisss possssible? are you ssaying the people of britain aren't excited for exterminating the transs?
Rowling: i jusst don't know what to believe anym...

Midnight Pals: Normal Conversation

JK Rowling: sso i was talking to a real life friend who exisstss (he'ss jusst sstanding right outsside of frame) and i assked him do you know what the bepenissed lessbians are doing to the ssoil
Rowling: for ssome reasson he sseemed really uncomfortable

Rowling: sso of coursse i demanded to know what all hiss sstraight male friendss were into, ssexually
Rowling: but apparently thiss iss not a thing that sstraight men disscusss with each other
Rowling: which provess transs people are bad
Rowling: ssimple logic, reall...

Midnight Pals: Tragic Romance

King: gosh joanne sure has been trending a while on twitter
King: like, for almost a week straight
Poe: oo
Poe: er
Poe: that's
King: yeah that's not good
Poe: that's very bad
Poe: i don't think it's healthy
Poe: it does things to you

Vladimir Nabokov: ok i got a story
Nabokov: but i'm only gonna tell it if you all promise not to be mad at me
Poe: we promise
Nabokov: you promise?
Nabokov: you all have to say it
Poe: we all promise
King: sure we promise
Barker: promise
Nabok...

Midnight Pals: Pickles

Zach Cregger: big news, everyone!
King: oh! are you doing another Barbarian movie?
Cregger: bigger than that!
Cregger: grillos pickles come in a screw top jar now!!!
King: oh nice that's way more convenient

Cregger: check it out! Off! [removes top from pickle tub]
Cregger: And on! [replaces top on pickle tub]
Cregger: it's so easy!
Cregger: way better than trying to jam a butter knife under a plastic tab

Cregger: i tell you, this screw top technology is going to revolutionize the entire p...

Midnight Pals: Possession

JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: sso bad newsss
Rowling: i'm posssesssed by a transsphobic demon but my cheap ssskinflint of a piece of shit of a hussband won't pay for an exorcisssm
Poe:
King:
Barker:
Koontz:
Lovecraft:
Poe: um
Poe: well we're sorry to hear that

King: do you need us to take up a fund?
King: c'mon guys let's pitch in!
Barker: what the fuck? no
Barker: steve she's the richest author in the world
Barker: she can afford to pay for her own damn exorcism

King: now...

Midnight Pals: Manifessstosss

Stephen King: hey guys aren't you all excited for the next cormoran strike novel?
Poe:
Barker:
Koontz:
Lovecraft:
King: boy, i sure hope robin and cormoran finally act on the repressed feelings Joanne has hinted at for the previous 7 books!
King: i feel like they're due

Poe: just out of curiosity steve
Poe: what exactly do you like about those books so much
King: well, for starters, they're very very long!
King: i dunno, i just find that relatable

JK Rowling: hello children
St...

Midnight Pals: Fitness

[at the beach]
Sonia Greene: oh howard this was such a lovely idea!
Greene: a romantic seaside picnic and just the two of us!
Greene: and we've got your favorite food right here - untoasted white bread!
Greene: isn't this nice?
HP Lovecraft: [sweats, stares at ocean] right sure

HP Lovecraft: Hey! Quit kicking sand in our faces!
Sonia Greene: that man is the worst nuisance on the beach!
Aleister Crowley: [grabbing Lovecraft] listen here, I'd smash your face, only you're so skinny you might dry up and blow away!...

Midnight Pals: Invaginies

Joe Koch: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the invaginies
Stephen King: whoa joe that sounds kind of adult, is this appropriate for dean?
Koch: oh it's fine, it's not like it's super adult
Koch: or rather anything dean could parse as adult

King: this one might be a little rough dean, maybe you should sit this one out
King: here, you can take these crayons and sit over there
King: maybe draw us a nice picture of that spooky pumpkin you were talking about
Koontz: i'm not a baby...

Midnight Pals: The TV That Glowed

Jane Schoenbrun: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the glowing tv
Schoenbrun: it's about this kid who's obsessed with a 90s TV series called the pink opaque
Schoenbrun: and how estrogen would have saved her

King: Oh, like Pete and Pete!
Schoenbrun: what
King: the show! it's like pete and pete, right?
Schoenbrun:
Schoenbrun: no

Poe: steve, it's clearly based on Are You Afraid of the Dark
King: you think? it really seems like more of a Pete and Pete thing
Poe...

Midnight Pals: Rip Off Omens

Arkasha Stevenson: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the first omen
Stevenson: it's about a plot to breed the antichrist
King: wait this sounds familiar
Stevenson: yeah it's based on The Omen
King: no that's not it

King: wait! i've got it!
King: this is totally ripping off Good Omens!
King: it's the same set up!
Lovecraft: you're right! even the name is similar!
Barker: wow, i hope someone gets fired for THAT blunder

King: neil! Neil! did you ...

Midnight Pals: Cats

Lilian Jackson Braun: ok so hear me out on this one
Braun: what if there was a cat that solved mysteries?
Rita Mae Brown: a cat that solved mysteries?!?!?
Carole Nelson Douglas: a cat that solved mysteries?!?!
Cate Conte: a cat that solved mysteries!!??

Brown: this is the greatest thing i've ever heard
Braun: you think?
Brown: listen i have 2 interests in life
Brown: radical lesbian liberation
Brown: and cats that solve mysteries
Brown: and this idea definitely fits into one of those cat...

Midnight Pals: Watchers

AM Shine: check this out, ishana night shyamalan is gonna retell my watchers story
Ishana Night Shyamalan: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the watchers
Barker: is there a twist
Shyamalan: i'm not my dad
Shyamalan: i'm my own person

Shyamalan: i'm not just the daughter of the twist director guy
Shyamalan: i am my own individual
Shyamalan: with my own directorial voice and style, damnit!
Barker: yeah but
 Barker: c'mon there's a twist right
Poe: cl...

Midnight Pals: Musk Deer

M. Lopes da Silva: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the glitter deer
da Silva: what if elon musk got killed by a deer
da Silva: but not just any deer
da Silva: a gray goo glitter deer

da Silva: what if elon musk got killed by a deer
Stephen King: god we should be so lucky
King: i'm sorry i shouldn't have said that out loud
King: he's just been really frustrating lately

Elon Musk: [rising from bushes] eyyyy Stephano king, itsa me elon musk!
Musk: your besta fri...

Midnight Pals: A Major Award

JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: i have exccciting newsss
Rowling: I've jussst been awarded tablet magazine'sss new sssinai award
Rowling: this will make the perfect replacement for that human rightsss award that got revoked

Stephen King: what's this award for, joanne?
Rowling: it's for being one of the 36 people whossse presssence ssstopsss god from dessstroying the earth
King:
Lovecraft:
Koontz:
Poe:
Barker:

Barker: how exactly are you stopping god from destroying the earth
Rowling: we...

Midnight Pals: Strange Stones

Edward Lee: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the strange stones
Mary SanGiovanni: me and ed wrote a cosmic horror
SanGiovanni: it's about this professor who hates HP Lovecraft
Lovecraft:
SanGiovanni: like REALLY hates him Lovecraft:

Lee: ok bro so this professor is at this horror convention to talk about how much HP Lovecraft sucks
Lovecraft: hey!
Lee: oh it's not me bro, i think you're cool, it's this professor, he's the one saying it
Lee: in the story, bro ...

Midnight Pals: Stokercon Style

Brian Keene: feeling cute, might delete later
Stephen King: looking good, brian! Looking good!
Keene: oh my god
Keene: stephen king liked my suit!
Keene: i'm never changing this suit again
Mary SanGiovanni: now wait a second-
Keene: don't try to change me, baby!

Keene: there's only one thing to do now
Keene: strut
Keene: [doing the Keep on Truckin' walk] well you tell by the way that i use my walk
Keene: i'm a ladies man no time to talk

Keene: look at me! i got the slickest suit a...

Midnight Pals: New Book

JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: i'd like you all to know about my new book
King: you wrote another harry potter book? awesome!
Rowling: no itsss not a harry potter book
Barker: oh jesus not another cormorant shrike
Rowling: ITS CORMORAN SSTRIKE
Rowling: AND NO

Rowling: this book is called 'the women who won't wheeshhht'
Barker: women who won't wee or shit?
Rowling: no that'sss not what i sssaid
Rowling: that'sss not what i sssaid and you know it!!

Rowling: [muttering] think you're ssso...

Midnight Pals: Full of Green Teaness

Sheridan Le Fanu: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the new drug scourge that's sweeping the nation, seducing our youth
Le Fanu: you know what i'm talking about
King:
Poe:
Koontz:
Lovecraft:
Barker:
Le Fanu: i'm talking about green tea

Barker: wait wait wait
Barker: green tea?
Le Fanu: yes
Barker: and that's the street name for.... what now?
Le Fanu: green tea
Barker: hahahaha
Le Fanu: THIS IS NO LAUGHING MATTER, CLIVE

Bark...

Midnight Pals: The Hashish Man

Poe: tonight, Lord Dunsany is going to tell a story
Lovecraft: Lord Dunsany!?
Lovecraft: Lord Dunsany is here?!?
Lovecraft: no no i'm not ready, i can't meet lord dunsany!
Poe: you'll be fine, howard
Lovecraft: do i look ok? how's my hair?
Poe: it's fine, howard

Lord Dunsany: submitted for the approval of
Lovecraft: Lord Dunsany! I'm your biggest fan!
Dunsany: thank you. submitted for
Lovecraft: did you get those letters i sent?
King: oh yeah howard's really big on sending letters
King: he j...

Midnight Pals: Men

Alex Garland: now this story is for the ladies
Garland: i feel like you'll really "get" it
Garland: it's feminist
Angela Carter: ah, good
Garland: it's about how men suck ass
Carter:
Carter: alright, i'm listening

Alex Garland: ok so, as we all know, men are trash
Garland: i mean, am i right, ladies?
Garland: not me of course!
Garland: i'm elevating women's voices

Garland: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the men
Garland: it's about a woman who rents a vacat...

Junji Ito has a voicemail from Lafcadio Hearn

Just some fun from the podcast, currently funding on Indiegogo as the kids say!

Midnight Pals: Fat People

James H Longmore: after yesterday's incident, I'd like to offer a full and complete apology to the humorless scolds of the woke mob
Franz Kafka:
Kafka: well, good
Kafka: see that it doesn't happen again!

Longmore: look, this story about joe's unwanted penis is just a light-hearted comedic jaunt!
Kafka: booo!
Longmore: [wiping sweat from brow] jeez tough crowd
Longmore: better switch gears
Longmore: hey how about a story about gross fatties?

Longmore: i have another story too
Longmore: it's a terrifying de...

Midnight Pals: The Surgery

James H Longmore: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of joe's unwanted penis
Longmore: it's a darkly humorous parody of the bruce jenner story
Poe: you mean caitlyn jenner?
Longmore:
Longmore: what?
Barker: oh yeah this really bodes well

Barker: she changed her name, she's Caitlyn now
Longmore: really?
Barker: you didn't know?
Barker: i mean she's in the news all the time for sucking
Poe: clive
Barker: what? she's not here
Barker: i can say it
Barker: just absolu...