Achewood

0063 — Roughs from "Return of Ray's Place"

It occurs to me that maybe I should have been placing these "blooper" pieces in the Author's tier, since they're part of the writing process, and not "in-universe" per se. Too late now, I suppose, but does anyone in the In-Universe tier not want to see fourth-wall-breaking stuff? Please let me know.

(Edited to add that I am quite happy that In-Universe readers are seeing these too! I do not regret the classification choice.)

0063 — Return of Ray's Place

Since I don't want to put any spoilers here, let's just figure out where Ray went when he was out not locking his computer. He's got either a wax paper soda cup from a fast food restaurant, or a sporty reusable workout cup, so we can't know for sure that it was an errand in the service of diabetes. Perhaps he was out for a long walk — long enough for someone to sit and compose at his computer for at least ten minutes (assuming the prose was already seething in the hidden author's veins).

He seems in good spirits, which is not ho...

Puzzle Time: Philippe!

From a file dated March 27, 2009.

[fixed] Big Anniversary Surprise! Plus scary photo of dead opossum, etc

Dear Author's Tier-chacho, I have a big surprise to unveil this weekend, and I am telling you about it first.

One year ago, on May 5, 2023, the Achewood Patreon debuted, and with your generous support I was able to inhabit, for the first time, the happy, healthy, and sustainable production mode that had eluded me the previous quarter-century. I would put the best moments of the last 62 strips and pieces up against the best of any of the previous thousands.

While I was creating the last twelve months' worth of material, I also h...

Puzzle Time: Ray

From a file dated March 27, 2009.

Puzzle Time: Cornelius Bear

From a file dated March 27, 2009.

Cornelius Bear — Fast Facts

Last saw the light of day in Assetbar. File dated December 30, 2008. Archive pieces posting M-Th this week.

You Can Star in Ray’s Place!

Post your questions for Ray’s Advice Column in the comments below, and if something about your predicament tugs at one of Mr. Smuckles’ many differently-angled heartstrings, you may feature in either an In-Universe column, or in the weekly strip itself! Become canon, impress your friends.

Ray reserves the right to paraphrase long questions, while preserving clarity. He will try to do a good job, unless he straight fucks around, which is, honestly, an 8/10 possibility.

Ray w...

0062 — Incorrect Writing from "Pat Gives Ray a Gift"

I was intrigued by the angle of Ray putting Pat's MLM out of business by competing with a superior product wherein you could cry onto actual famous crying faces, but ultimately didn't want to make this into a whole storyline. It was once a crutch of Saturday Night Live to base a whole sketch on one funny idea (what staff writer Al Franken called, "The title tail wagging the content dog") and I always felt that method of story development quickly revealed itself as stillborn. Except perhaps for Chris Farley's "Pepper Boy," which was pure magi...

0062 — Pat Gives Ray a Gift

Personal note at bottom. 

A full-page collection of outtakes and unused panels from this week's cutting room floor will post in the In-Universe and Author's Tiers at noon Pacific today, as is custom.

Inherently sensed in a friend's cheery announcement that they have just begun a "side-hustle" selling essential oils, makeup, or loud peplum tops from New Zealand is that your financial participation, and even deputy evangelization, is assumed. In fact, your name was probably on their s...

0061 — Bloopers and Outtakes from "Shadow Puppets"

It's true, sometimes I reverse-engineer a blooper or "unused panel" after completing the original work. It's a fun wind-down, now that the pressure is off. "Shadow Puppets" is no exception, except there is an even deeper truth to today's excavation: I built the whole thing off a false start (in the business, we call this "junk and garbage") from 2007. Above, you'll see the original artboard at the precise moment of its abandonment.

0061 — Shadow Puppets

(As is now custom, visit the In-Universe Tier or Author's Tier for the rejected panels—and the original 2007 inspiration artwork—from this strip! Posting at noon Pacific Time.)

In order for this strip to validate, it is time for me to declare that Philippe is a river otter, and not a sea otter. Sea otters have a mitten for a hand (sans thumb), while river otters have articulate little fingers that help them call their mothers and experience uncomfortable conversations where the persistent...

Ray's Failed Cocktail Lab

This is a heavily-updated and newly-illustrated version of a piece that originally ran in the Assetbar on September 4, 2009. It features minor appearances by aquavit, egg whites, and Emeril LeGoinegasque.

The House Where Achewood Began, College Pics, The Doubt

Last weekend I flew down to Stanford for the annual reunion of the Chaparral, the campus satire magazine where I first cut my teeth as an aspiring intellectual miscreant. The Internet as we know it did not exist in the year of my matriculation, 1993; my dream was to spend the rest of my life in a smoke-filled room full of Conan O'Brien's opening monologue writers, growing bald (everywhere except my cortisol-hardened paunch) and miserable.

If I could do it all over again, would I forsake the long afternoons spent painting myse...

0060 — Unused panels from Music Theory People

These panels were posted to the tune "Now That I Know," by Ted Lucas. If you look it up and listen to it, you will have heard the perfect song for cookin' chili to.

0060 - Music Theory People

Oops! Posted this one a day early! My bad. Leaving it up.

(The blooper panels will still post Friday in the In-Universe and Author's Tiers, to still have something on that day, for everyone who likes a Friday treat.)

Music Theory People, even though ye here be lambasted (I always think music theory people consider themselves born in the wrong century, and really wish their underwear had lots of buttons up the sides), feel free to plug the song that Pat is listening to into your compositi...

0059 — Unused panels from Cinnamon Buns

As promised, at the appointed hour.

0059 - Cinnamon Buns

(As is becoming custom, watch the In-Universe and Author's Tier for the rejected panels from this strip! Posting at noon Pacific Time.)

ALT TEXT: Each of us has a public life, a private life, and a secret life. The secret life is where we wrestle with our base, unvarnished, and uncorrected animal impulses, hot from the factory. We typically do not share the secret life with anyone — not even our friends, spouses, or therapists.

There is a quote that goes something like, “Love is when someone sees the ugliest side of you, and ...

Our Boro Ouroboros

They say to lead with a feature image of a person, but they also say to make it a good image of an appealing person, so I was torn. Here you go, it's me sorting through a massive pile of remaindered denim.

What is boro? Read on.

Last year Ben (sukajan guy and frequent creative collaborator) drove me around LA and we popped into his favorite Little Tokyo bookstores, edge-case fashion houses, and gamified sushi-belt joints. An oft-thumbed treasure from that trip is a book he gifted me about boro, a Japanes...

The Hummus Technique That Saved America (five words)

INGREDIENTS (see photo)

15.5oz can chickpeas, drained

2 tbsp lemon juice

1/4c tahini

1 clove garlic, smashed

1/4c olive oil

1 tbsp toasted sesame oil

1 tsp ground cumin

1/2 tsp salt

- - - 
TECHNIQUE

Food processor, high, two minutes. 

- - - 

(THIS PART IS NOT RECIPE) The difference between fresh homemade hummus and refrigerated store-bought is so vast that I defy you to give two squats about the texture and flavor diffe...

Gunkin' Man Vs. Nature, Plus Photo Dump, April 1, 2023

Last Sunday eve, as I was stretching out an Achilles that threatened to go berserk after a spate of rain-sodden, increased-distance runs, I remembered that I'd completely blanked on the abdominal portion of my last gym visit. Always mindful of impressing Coop, and believing that in certain narrow angles of light I was seeing a bit of progress, I laid on my back to perform the Maniac Ladybugs and God-Facing Swans of penitence.

Only, the energy wasn't there. I'd had a brief sore throat in the morning, and the back of the house immediatel...

0058 — Unused Panels from "A Fuck You Friday at Scobler's"

As promised.

0058 — A Fuck You Friday at Scobler's

I think I had five versions of every panel of this one. Watch the In-Universe tier for those "director's cut / bloopers & outtakes" panels later today!

If you have deep knowledge of Roast Beef and Molly, let's guess together, below, what dishes they had ordered at Scobler's Family Dining that day. I will chime in and say what I think the best guess is, but if the guesses are not going well, I will eventually tell the truth about their dishes that they ordered.