thehardtimes

MVP: Hole "Violet"

This week on the podcast we break down Hole's classic video for "Violet." We break down every single thing you need to know, and we also talk about a bunch of things nobody needs to know. But we promise you will enjoy it.

Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cH_rfGBwamc

Hard Digest August 20: Early Access Clouds, R.L. Stine, SpaceX, and More

Shitty Cloud Doesn’t Even Look Like an Animal or Nothing

By Ben Sobieck

MINNEAPOLIS — The appearance of an unremarkable cloud in the sky enraged pedestrians in Uptown, prompting a police response in a part of the city known for its music venues, sources confirmed.

“I was in line for a Roadkill Sushi show outside the Apocalypse Room this mornin...

Hard Digest August 19: Early Access Genres, Heist Movies, Misogyny, and More

“That Kind of Music Sounds All The Same,” Says Fucking Genius Friend Who Figured Out How Genres Work

By Stephen Bell

UPPER ARLINGTON, Ohio — Local fucking genius music critic Sam Buchman recently made very poignant critiques of all of their friends music tastes after pointing out how music within a certain genre tends to sound the same, according to ...

Hard Digest August 18: The IDF, Early Access Limewire, Slipknot, Fiona Apple, and More

Trump Says if Americans In D.C. Don’t Start Cooperating He Will Call in the IDF

By The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — President Trump threatened the residents of the nation’s capital by saying that if they don’t fall in line and obey the orders of American law enforcement agencies he will be forced to call in the IDF to restore order, sources confirm...

Hard Digest August 17: Early Access Christian Rock, Bluey, and the Tesla Diner

Christian Rock Band Waiting Until Marriage to Write Songs About Sex

By Bobby Korec

ENUMCLAW, Wash. — Local Christian rock band Trust Fall revealed that they are waiting until marriage to write any songs related to sexual intercourse, confirmed sources.

“Due to my religious beliefs, I abstain from composing songs about plowing until I say ‘I do...

Hard Digest August 16: Early Access Cooking, Oasis, Libertarians, and More

Pitchfork Writer Visiting Home Describes Mom’s Dinner as “A Derivative Slog Through White Suburban Mediocrity”

By Tim Graham

COUNCIL BLUFFS, Iowa — Music critic Sophie McKennitt brutally lambasted her mother’s cooking during a recent visit home, according to stunned cousins.

“As a child who knew no better, I found my mother’s cooking to b...

Hard Digest August 15: Early Access GWAR, Rambo, the Bible, and More

GWAR Roadie Scrambling to Find 236 Gallons of Alien Cum at 8:00 p.m. in Macon, GA

By Patrick Coyne

MACON, Ga. — Panic-stricken and barely coherent GWAR roadie Miles Giodarno was spotted dashing through the streets of Macon, desperately trying to secure a whopping 236 gallons of alien cum just hours before the band’s show, confirmed sources.

�...

Hard Digest August 14: Kennedy Center, Early Access MP3s, Guns, Woodland Creatures, and More

Dancing Coke Can and Billy Bass Among Kennedy Center Honorees

By Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump, the self-appointed Kennedy Center chairman, announced that a dancing Coca-Cola can and a novelty singing bass decoration will be among the artists recognized for their contributions to American culture this year during a particularly unhin...

MVP: The Killers "Mr. Brightside"

This week we break down the video for "Mr. Brightside" by everyone's favorite Mormon rockers the The Killers. So gather up your multiple wives, throw on your weird underwear, and gather around the podcast player to enjoy learning everything you need to know about this classic video.

Watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gGdGFtwCNBE&list=RDgGdGFtwCNBE&start_radio=1

Hard Digest August 13: Early Access Scurvy, Bezos, Free Hugs, and More

Scurvy-Ridden Band Plays Extra Shitty in Hopes Someone Throws Fruit on Stage

By Ben Sobieck

MINNEAPOLIS — Local punk band Slice planned to play exceptionally shitty to trigger audiences to throw fruit at them in an attempt to reverse the effects of scurvy, confirmed sources.

“We played 27 shows so far, and all but one paid us in gas for our 15-p...

Hard Digest August 12: Trump, Early Access AIPAC, Bullies, Aging Bands, and More

Trump Calls in National Guard to Get Washington Under Control After Watching YouTube Video of January 6th

By The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — President Trump took control of the police in Washington, D.C. and deployed the National Guard to crack down on rampant crime and destruction after accidentally watching a 30-second YouTube clip of the January 6th ...

Hard Digest August 11: Early Access Danzig, Vince Neil, Dating, and More

Nostalgic Glenn Danzig Rekindles Old Lawsuits

By Brett Olsen

LODI, N.J. — Famous singer and mildly renowned film director Glenn Danzig felt a wave of nostalgia wash over him when he spontaneously decided it was time to once again sue the rest of the band, confirmed sources.

“I’ve known these knuckle-heads for more than half my life, and let me ...

Hard Digest August 9: Early Access Ghost, Losers, and Serial Killers

Experts Warn Education Cuts Could Lead to Even More People Thinking Ghost Is a Metal Band

By Steve Packosky

WASHINGTON — Experts at the Department of Education (DoE) have issued a dire warning that further cuts to their institution could result in even more people thinking Ghost is a metal band, sources report.

“Education cuts by this adminis...

Hard Digest August 8: Early Access Dave Mustaine, Shoegaze, the Sleepytime Bear, and More

Dave Mustaine Suggests Starting “Supergroup” With James Hetfield, Lars Ulrich and Robert Trujillo

By Steve Packosky

LOS ANGELES — Megadeth frontman Dave Mustaine suggested starting a “supergroup” with Metallica members James Hetfield, Lars Ulrich and Robert Trujillo, sources report.

“I haven’t heard back from them in three weeks. They...

Hard Digest August 7: Early Access Earplugs, Government, Ted Cruz, and More

“You Gonna Eat That or Can I?” Asks Guy Who Noticed Your Earwax-Covered Earplugs

By John Danek

MADISON, Wis. — Noticing the copious golden earwax covering your Eargasm concert earplugs, a depraved concertgoer at the Riff Palace Festival asked if you were interested in eating the nasty sludge coating, vomiting audience members reported.

“So are y...

MVP: Descendents "I'm the One"

Are you curious about the sperm donation process? Then this is the video for you. We break down everything you need to know about "I'm the One" and alternative ways to conceive.

Watch the video here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yOfvPNaNEMA&list=RDyOfvPNaNEMA&start_radio=1

Hard Digest August 6: Early Access DUIs, The National, Band Shirts, and More

DUI From Two Beers Kind of Embarrassing

By Sarah Cortina

MADISON, Wis. — Local loser Jim Perkins reportedly found his DUI from two beers kind of embarrassing, confirmed sources who recommended he not show his face in public.

“I mean, you do the crime, you do the time. I’m probably due about 13 life sentences at this point. Am I right?” Perkin...

Hard Digest August 5: Early Access Garth Brooks, Rock Bottom, ICE, and More

Man Who Still Thinks Garth Brooks and Chris Gaines Are Different People Worried About Children’s Media Literacy

By Cody Arbor

IOWA CITY, Iowa — Suburban father Tyler Rainey expressed frustration over children’s lack of media literacy, despite firmly believing country singer Garth Brooks and his fictional persona Chris Gaines are different people, ...

Hard Digest August 4: Early Access Ska, Tool, Babies, and More

Ska Reunion Show Ruined by Ska

By Brett Olsen

SAN JOSE, Calif. — Local reunion show for ska band Skattergories was reportedly ruined by all the ska music, confirmed sources who wondered when it was going to finally end.

“As a ska fan, I was mortified by all the ska,” said Vinny Smalls, founder of The Skattergordiots fanclub and one-time street ...

Hard Digest August 3: Early Access Black Metal, King Gizzard, and Body Issues

Embarrassing: Black Metal Headliner Plays Song About Satan Even Though Opener Already Did That

By Steve Packosky

TRENTON, N.J. — Black metal band Kald Syk completely humiliated themselves by playing a song about Satan after opener Speared Side had already covered the same subject matter, sources report.

“We decided to add the song ‘Praise for ...

Hard Digest August 2: Early Acces THPS, The Navy, and "Brave Little Toaster"

Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3+4 Adds New Realistic Character Who Can’t Skate at All but Still Thinks He’s Better Than Elissa Steamer

By Reuben Blanchard

LOS ANGELES — Activision announced that the remake of Tony Hawk Pro Skater 3+4 will include a new playable character named Matt Fresh, who doesn’t know how to skate but still thinks he’s bett...

Hard Digest August 1: Early Access 3 Doors Down, Ratatouille, ISIS, and More

3 Doors Down Song Played at Baseball Game Somehow Worse Than 12-1 Loss

By Steve Packosky

DENVER — A devastating 12-1 loss incurred by the Colorado Rockies at the hands of the Milwaukee Brewers was completely overshadowed by the DJ playing the song “Superman” by 3 Doors Down at the start of the 9th inning, sources report.

“That was absolu...

Hard Digest July 31: IDF Soldiers, Early Access Travelling Abroad, Yo Gabba Gabba, Bandcamp, and More

IDF Soldier Terrified For Life After Tiny Baby Gets Enough Food to Survive for Six More Hours

By The Hard Times Staff

GAZA CITY — Yosef Peretz, an IDF soldier stationed in watch towers at a Gaza Humanitarian Foundation aid station, is fearing for his life after seeing Palestinian babies getting scraps of food that might sustain them for the next few hour...

MVP: Franz Ferdinand "Dark of the Matinee"

Take a trip with us to Scotland to talk about Franz Ferdinand's "Dark of the Matinee." Did we accidentally look up the wrong Franz Ferdinand and spend the entire podcast discussing World War I? Listen and find out.

Watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKyG1dRoDlA

Hard Digest July 30: American Eagle, Early Access Missing Kids, Jolene, The Locust, and More

American Eagle Launches New ”Those People Are Just Better at Basketball” Ad Campaign

By Dan Rice

PITTSBURGH — American Eagle announced a series of ads highlighting how good black people are at playing basketball in an attempt at a major course correction after perceived racist undertones in their “Sydney Sweeney has good jeans” ad campaign...

Hard Digest July 29: Early Access Incels, South Jersey, Punk Houses, and More

New Government Initiative Invites Incels to Trade In Their Firearms for Bass Guitars

By Peter Woods

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives announced a new federally funded program asking the incel community to voluntarily trade in any guns they own for a new bass guitar, confirmed sources.

“No group poses mor...

Hard Digest July 28: Busking, Ankles Monitors, Apple Watches, and More

Busker’s Beautiful Rendition of “Yesterday” Really Brought Down by Nearby Public Masturbator

By Tim Sheard

BUFFALO, N.Y. — A stunning rendition of The Beatles’ 1965 hit “Yesterday” by busker Alan Wentzel was completely overshadowed by an unhoused man masturbating in plain sight several feet away, sources report.

“This is the third time...

Hard Digest July 27: Early Access Goths, Jack Black, Work From Home, and More

Metalhead Just Figures It’s Easier To Let His Family Think He’s Goth

By Steve Packosky

PUEBLO, Colo. — Metalhead James Kingor concluded that it’s just easier to let his family think he’s goth instead of constantly explaining the intricacies of metal and its various subgenres, resigned sources report.

“I’ve totally given up trying to ...

Hard Digest July 26: Early Access Merch Guys, Coffee, and Hooters

Dying Merch Guy Wishes to Be Buried in Transparent Plastic Storage Box

By Cory Cousins

FREDERICK, Md. — Veteran road warrior and merch guy for international touring powerhouse, Bashful Dominatrix, revealed that he was dying from a terminal illness and expressed his wishes to be buried in a transparent plastic storage box following his passing, sources c...

Hard Digest July 25: Early Access Teen Punks, Eagle Scouts, Sleep, and More

Teen Punk Teeters Between “Make the World a Better Place” Punk or “Total Piece of Shit” Punk

By Tim Sheard

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local teenage punk Mathias Schuler is teetering between the kind of punk that makes a positive impact on society or the type that ends up as a total piece of shit, confirmed sources wondering if there was a third option.