thehardtimes

Hard Digest July 18: Early Access Biden, Wine, Therapy, and More

Biden Offers Stern Warning to Potential Democrat Opponents: “Look, Listen, I’m Prepared Give a Holler to the Boys Who Come Back And I’m the Guy With The Fact of the Matter Is I’m Seeing the Wind Whistle and Ready to Find the Lost Meat”

BY THE HARD TIMES STAFF

WASHINGTON — President Biden stood firm in his refusal to step down and issu...

MVP: Sublime "Santeria"

Pack up your Jeep and head to Long Beach, today we are breaking down Sublime's "classic" video for "Santeria." Listen to the episode and let us know if you think Bill's theory about the dark subtext of the video is true. Because if so, gross.

Hard Digest July 17: Trump's Assassin, Drunk Anthems, Early Access Sunday Scaries, Gargoyles, Grocery Shopping, and More

Failed Trump Assassin Revealed to Be Descendant of Immigrants Who Came to Country Illegally 230 Years Ago

BY THE HARD TIMES STAFF 

BETHEL PARK, Penn. — New information about Matthew Crooks, the 20-year-old registered Republican who made a failed attempt to kill former President Trump, shows his family immigrated to America illegally nearly t...

Hard Digest July 16: RNC, Sticker Mule, Early Access GWAR, Mushrooms, FYE, and More

Sticker Mule Co-Founder Confesses to Intense Sexual Fantasies About Trump In Mass Email Blast to Customers

BY KEVIN TIT

NEW YORK — Anthony Constantino, the co-founder of popular custom sticker maker Sticker Mule, sent a rambling email to all his customers about his bizarre sexual fantasies about former President Trump, weirded-out sources c...

Hard Digest July 15: More Trump, Early Access Smashing Pumpkins, Uncle Kracker, Food Stamps, and More

Smashing Pumpkins Song Sends Doggy Daycare Into Frenzy After Billy Corgan Shouts “Wanna Go for a Ride”

BY CHRIS BRATTON 

CHICAGO — A local doggy daycare center went berserk after the Smashing Pumpkins lyric “wanna go for a ride” from the song “Zero” played on the radio, confirmed sources who just wanted to get out alive at this ...

Hard Digest July 14: Early Access Zoom Meetings, Villains, Slayer, and More

M.I.T. Scientists Announce Discovery of First Zoom Meeting To Begin Without Awful Small Talk

BY TIM SHEARD 

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Scientists at M.I.T’s prestigious Zoom Studies Lab reportedly identified the first online meeting to begin without terrible, meaningless small talk.

“Observations on the weather. Awkward icebreakers. Questio...

Hard Digest July 13: Early Access Jerry Cantrell, AI, Biden, and Jet Skis

Jerry Cantrell Reveals “Them Bones” Actually About Time He Saw Spooky Skeletons Playing Rib Cages Like Xylophones

BY MATT HUSSER

SEATTLE — Jerry Cantrell reportedly revealed that 1992 Alice in Chains hit “Them Bones” was actually inspired by the time he saw spooky skeletons playing rib cages like xylophones as he was walking through a cem...

Hard Digest July 12: Biden's Dark Confession, Early Access Weezer, Unions, Diss Tracks, Home Alone, and More

Democrats in Crisis After President Biden Uses Bathroom With Hot Mic and Confesses to Robert Durst Murders

BY DAN RICE 

WASHINGTON — Top Democratic decision-makers are reportedly doing damage control after President Biden confessed to multiple murders on a hot mic after another damaging public appearance, multiple sources confirmed.

“W...

Hard Digest July 11: Early Access Conversations, 5 Disc Changers, Lin-Manuel Miranda, and More

Man Wishes He Could “Like” Messages to End Conversations In Real Life

BY TYLER ROLAND 

PORTLAND—Local man and self-confessed “introverted-ass” Will Dobbs is pleading for a real-life equivalent to the popular text and Instagram “like message” feature, chronically online sources confirmed.

“There are a lot of ways I can...

MVP: Billy Joel "We Didn't Start the Fire"

When we started this podcast we wanted to rewatch some of our all-time favorite videos and really dissect them. Today we break that format by watching a video we absolutely fucking hate. But it sure was fun to talk about it. Enjoy our breakdown of "We Didn't Start the Fire" and we apologize if the song gets stuck in your head.

Watch the video on YouTube for a refresher: https://youtu.be/eFTLKWw542g?si=SjRTjvwRLp10NUrA

Hard Digest July 10: Early Access AI, Shoplifting, Bruce Dickinson, and More

Nation’s Dads Walk On Washington After Seeing Power Bill for Using AI

BY DAN KOZUH 

WASHINGTON — An army of dads from across the nation descended upon the capital in a wave of cargo shorts and socks with sandals to protest skyrocketing power bills due to the surge in AI usage, White House insiders report.

“When I got a leaked copy o...

Hard Digest July 9: Early Access Shoplifting, Roxy Music, Tumors, and More

Punk Clearly Trying to Walk Out of PetSmart with Aquarium Stuffed in Their Sweatpants

BY BEN FRIEDMAN 

SAYREVILLE, N.J. — The staff of a local Petco could only roll their eyes in secondhand embarrassment as punk Victor Simmons was clearly attempting to walk out of the store with a massive aquarium stuffed in his sweatpants, security footage c...

Hard Digest July 8: Early Access Billy Joel, Microplastics, Friendships, and More

Drunken Rendition of “We Didn’t Start the Fire” Dangerously Close to Morphing Into “It’s the End of the World as We Know It”

BY JOE RUMRILL 

WILLISTON, N.D. — Participants of a weekly karaoke night cringed in disbelief as a local businessman’s booze-fueled “We Didn’t Start the Fire” teetered on the brink of turning into �...

Hard Digest July 7: Early Access Eco-Conscious Punks, DMT, Cro-Mags, and More

Eco-Conscious Punk Pretends Never Getting Driver’s License Was An Environmental Thing

BY JUS KAPLAN 

PORTLAND, Ore.—Sage Copeland, who has never driven a day in his life, is adamant that his automobile abstinence is an environmental thing and nothing else, the 32-year-old vegan confirmed.

“Cars are destroying our planet, full st...

Hard Digest July 6: Early Access Bass Players, Dinner Parties, Cargo Shorts, Folk Horror, and More

Boy Caught Playing Bass After Lying to Mom About Being Out With Friends Doing Drugs

BY KIMBERLY SCOTT 

DARBY, Penn. — Local punk mother Janelle Zander was mortified to discover her son, whom she believed was out partying with friends, was actually diligently practicing bass, ashamed sources confirmed.

“It’s supremely cliche to say...

Hard Digest July 5: Early Access Plane Crashes, Limp Bizkit, Cigarettes, Spencer's, and More

Punk Refuses to Uncross Arms and Assume Crash Position as Plane Free Falls

BY BEN FRIEDMAN 

GARY, Ind. — Chicago-bound United passenger Colin Jenkins refused to uncross his arms and assume the crash position despite the plane being in an irreversible freefall, panicked passengers confirmed.

“I was fine in the back of the plane with...

Mvp: Nirvana "In Bloom"

Today Bill and Dan tackle a certified classic from three fine young men from Seattle, they are thoroughly alright and decent fellows with their music video for "In Bloom." Nirvana will come up a lot on this podcast so get used to it, go listen, and tell your friends.

Hard Digest July 4: Early Access Coworkers, Richard Gere, Christian Bale, and More

Nation’s Coworkers Announce Plans To Hold Long Conversation Directly Outside the Bathroom Where You’re Currently Taking a Dump

BY TIM SHEARD 

RICHMOND, Va. – The nation’s coworkers reportedly resolved to hold an extended conversation in the general area outside the employee bathroom at the exact time that you are taking a shit, horrifie...

Hard Digest July 3: Early Access 4th of July, Metalcore, and More

Dog Doesn’t Like Fireworks “Because of What They Represent”

BY SARAH CORTINA

CHICAGO — Local pooch Hamburger is reportedly hiding under his home’s kitchen table from Fourth of July fireworks, not due to fear of the sound, but because of the jingoistic, colonial mindset that they represent, skeptical sources confirmed.

“The state ...

Hard Digest July 2: Supreme Court, Early Access Cannibal Corpse, Movies, Red Wine, and More

Wanna Give the Supreme Court a Piece of Your Mind? Here’s How To Get a Job at One of the Most Luxurious Resorts in the World

BY DAN RICE

It’s getting more and more difficult to speak truth to power these days, especially when it comes to the judiciary branch of our federal government. With controversial recent decisions such as overturning Roe...

Hard Digest July 1: Early Access Band Photos, Mental Health Walks, Cowboy Hats, and More

Metal Musicians Visiting Dead Friend in Cemetery Might as Well Take Band Photo While They’re There

BY CORY COUSINS

TRAVERSE CITY, Mich. — Members of the local death metal band Flesh Quilt figured it would be a wasted opportunity to not take a killer band pic while at the cemetery after visiting their recently deceased friend, confirmed source...

Hard Digest June 30: Early Access Great American Baking Show, Chik-Fil-A, Vintage T-Shirts, and More

“Great American Baking Show” Cancelled After 6th Mass Shooting

BY COREY ARDER

LONDON–The “Great American Baking Show” came to an ignoble end after a record-shattering sixth mass-shooting struck the Pinewood lot in a short timespan, traumatized sources confirmed.

“We really wanted to make the American bakers feel at home here in En...

Hard Digest June 29: Early Access Gwar, DraftKings, Coffee Shops, and Restaurant Work

Gwar Fill-in Obviously Threw Costume Together From Things Laying Around Their Home

BY TRAVIS TACK 

BUFFALO, N.Y. — Gwar’s temporary bassist James Matterhorn appeared to be wearing a costume he hastily threw together from common household items, confirmed sources who were not mad, just disappointed.

“The guy was calling himself ‘U...

Hard Digest June 28: Debate Fallout, Early Access Gorilla Biscuits, Pride, Line Cooks, Rodent Men, and More

Six Key Takeaways From the First Presidential Debate

BY THE HARD TIMES STAFF 

President Biden and former President Trump met on the debate stage in Georgia last night and reminded Americans that the two-party system is broken and we could do better. President Biden showed his age and frequently lost his train of thought, while Trump made cou...

Hard Digest June 27: Early Access QR Codes, Charli XCX, Folk Shows, and More

Complaining Boomer Actually Has Good Point About QR Code Menus

BY CHARLES BILL 

SARASOTA, Fla. – Local 71-year-old Steve Mills made multiple strong arguments against the use of QR code menus while trying to order the Sunshine State Super Special at Mitzy’s Diner early yesterday, multiple witnesses confirmed.

“God dammit, I just ...

Mvp: Blink-182 "All the Small Things"

Today on a brand new episode of Mvp we travel back to 1999 to break down Blink-182's video for "All the Small Things." It's the video that defined a generation of class clowns in cargo shorts. Give it a listen, tell a friend.

Hard Digest June 26: Early Access Rob Dyrdek Unplugged, Presidential Debates, Scrap Copper, and More

New MTV ‘Unplugged’ Special to Feature Rob Dyrdek Learning Acoustic Guitar

BY WILLIAM VAILLANCOURT 

LOS ANGELES — MTV announced the latest edition to their famed “Unplugged” series will showcase “Ridiculousness” host Rob Dyrdek learning the acoustic guitar, giddy network executives confirmed.

“It was an easy cho...

Hard Digest June 25: Joe Biden, Early Access Rob Zombie, Aerosmith, Boomers, and More

Biden Aides Heatwave Crisis by Supplying Every American With New Pair of Aviator Sunglasses

BY KARA MOORE 

WASHINGTON — President Biden announced a new government plan that will provide all citizens a free state-issued pair of aviator sunglasses to combat the dangerous heat enveloping the country.

“Listen Jack, we want to keep everyone...

Hard Digest June 24: Early Access Broken Social Scene, Scrabble, Les Miserable, and More

Broken Social Scene Searches for Other Canadian Supergroups to Start Intramural Hockey League

BY CHRIS BRATTON 

TORONTO — Sizable indie group Broken Social Scene is reportedly on the hunt for other Canadian supergroups to start an intramural hockey league with, sources who dusted off their shin pads confirmed.

“This is just a natura...

Hard Digest June 23: Early Acces Leftovers, Teams, the Boys, and More

Man Who Ate Roommate’s Leftovers Sentenced to Two Years In Federal Prison

BY JORDAN LIFFENGREN 

PHOENIX, Ariz. — An Arizona judge recently sentenced a man who ate his roommate’s leftovers to two years in federal prison in a monumental case that has vindicated victims of meal theft across the country.

“It’s such a relief...