thehardtimes

Hard Digest September 9: Early Access Les Claypool, Planet Fitness, Tim Walz, and More

Les Claypool Sends Follow-up Email to Metallica Regarding 1986 Bass Audition

By Steve Packosky 

EL SOBRANTE, Calif. — Prolific bassist and Primus frontman Les Claypool sent a follow-up email to metal band Metallica regarding his 1986 audition for them, confirmed sources who needed answers.

“I just wanted to reach out and thank the ...

Hard Digest September 8: Early Access Cocktails, Exes, Posers, and More

Party Guests Endure 30-Minute Wait for Drinks from Friend Who Just Got Into Cocktail Making

By Dan Kozuh

LOUISVILLE, Ky.. — Guests at local man Ricky Ellis’ house party endured an agonizing 30-minute wait for eccentric cocktails from their overenthusiastic host who has just taken up cocktail making, annoyed sources report.

“I spent over...

Hard Digest September 7: Early Access Country Music, Marlboro Miles, Rhino XXL Pills, Mistakes, and More

Country Musician Put Out of Work by AI Capable of Boot Licking Ten Times Faster

By Ben Friedman

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Up-and-coming country music singer Johnny “Slim” Wilkins saw his dreams of stardom crushed after finding out he was being replaced by an AI songwriter capable of creating bootlicking ballads ten times faster, industry insiders ...

Hard Digest September 6: Early Access Bad Religion, Drunks, Check Engine Light, Attachment Styles, and More

Bad Religion’s New Album Slams Inefficiencies of the Medicare System

By Jose Balderas 

LOS ANGELES — Long-time fans of the seminal melodic hardcore punk band Bad Religion were surprised by the unexpected release of their 18th studio album, “Into The Unknown: Part 2,” which mainly focuses on issues surrounding Medicare, sources confi...

Hard Digest September 5: Early Access Trump, Grandmas, Moon Shoes, and More

Trump Campaign Powerless Against Group of Teenage Girls Saying “Ew”

By Sean Fallon | September 6, 2024

PALM BEACH, Fla. – Sources within the Trump campaign reported that the former president and his team are seemingly overwhelmed with despair after pollsters found a group of teenage girls responded “ew” when asked about a second Tru...

MVP: Tears For Fears "Head Over Heels"

Today on the podcast we take a trip to our local library to harass the hardworking librarian with a gun, we also break down the video for "Head Over Heels" by Tears For Fears. So settle in, think about Donnie Darko and enjoy the show.

Watch the video here: https://youtu.be/CsHiG-43Fzg?si=HnByKpkkZ89K4129

Hard Digest September 4: Tim Burton, Early Access Acid, Bill and Ted, Math Rock, and More

Hot Topic Immediately Opens New Location Next To Tim Burton’s Star on Hollywood Walk of Fame

By James Knapp 

LOS ANGELES — A brand new Hot Topic franchise opened for business on Hollywood Boulevard mere moments after acclaimed director Tim Burton received his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, inoffensively spooky sources confirmed.

Hard Digest September 3: Early Access Scene Elders, Weed, Hiking, and More

Scene Elder Passes Down Oral History of Who Hates Who and Why

By Tim Graham 

CHULA VISTA, Calif. — The patriarch of the local scene assembled the area’s young punks to hear an oral history of longstanding beefs, according to gossipy sources.

“So many of the O.G. crew have gone straight, died or left the area, so I’m the only one l...

Hard Digest September 2: Early Access WWE, Dental Surgery, Fruitopia, and More

Millennial’s Alcoholism Traced Back to Prolonged Exposure to Attitude-Era WWE as a Child

By Chris Bowen

PHILADELPHIA — Local 36-year-old Dennis Waller’s out-of-control alcohol problem can evidently be traced back to the large amount of mid-to-late ‘90s professional wrestling he watched religiously in his formative years, several “rudy-poo ...

Hard Digest September 1: Early Access Mercyful Fate, Jobs, Arms Dealers, and More

Guy Wearing Mercyful Fate Shirt Inside 200-Year-Old Church Kind of Disappointed He Didn’t Burst into Flames Upon Entering

By Chris Bowen 

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local heavy metal fan Eric Tullman was saddened that the Mercyful Fate shirt he was wearing while making an emergency restroom stop in a historic church didn’t cause him to combust w...

Hard Digest August 31: Early Access Guitar Center, Insane Clown Posse, Truck Repair, Band Name, and More

Man Unsure If He’s Listening to Grateful Dead Live Recording or Just In a Guitar Center on a Saturday Afternoon

By John Danek

BURLINGTON, Vt. — Local extremely confused man Kirk Unger struggled to determine if he was hearing a live recording of The Grateful Dead or just standing in the main room at Guitar Center on a busy Saturday afternoon,...

Hard Digest August 30: Jack White, Early Access Alice Cooper, Family Values, Astronauts, Muppets, and More

Jack White Demands Trump Stop Using His Songs By Sending Campaign Cease and Desist Letter on 7”

By Ryan Dondero 

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Jack White issued a strongly worded cease and desist letter on a one-of-a-kind 7” forbidding the Republican candidate from using his songs at campaign events, sources close to Trump confirmed.

“I c...

Hard Digest August 29: Early Access Punk Shows, Billy Joel, Bird Watching, and More

So-Called Punk Show Still Features Organized Ticket Line and Thorough Safety Procedures

By Adam Frost-Venrick 

ATHENS, Ga. — Beloved local bar and music venue Whiskey Dick McGraw’s is facing backlash from confused and disappointed punks due to the apparently above-standard safety precautions, orderly ticket sales and hygiene stand...

New Episode of MVP: Korn "Freak On a Leash"

Nu metal is back and hotter than ever and this week Bill and Dan break down the classic music video for Korn's "Freak On A Leash" which definitively proves scatting saves lives.

Watch the video here then listen to the episode: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jRGrNDV2mKc

Hard Digest August 28: Early Access The Smashing Pumpkins, Cool Jazz, Drake, and More

Smashing Pumpkins Fan Furious Smashing Pumpkins Released a Good Album in 2024

By Dan Kozuh

CHICAGO — Longtime fans of The Smashing Pumpkins are reportedly shocked and infuriated that the band’s latest release, “Aghori Mhori Mei,” is actually pretty darn good, enraged sources confirm.

“I had resigned myself to making fun of Billy Corgan ...

Hard Digest August 27: Oasis, Burning Man, Stop & Shop, Plus Early Access Posts

Negotiator Who Got Oasis Back Together Now Tasked With Much Easier Job of Convincing Israel to Agree to A Ceasefire

By Stephen Bell

LONDON – Negotiator Peter Franks decided to take on the much easier job of finally getting Israel to agree to a ceasefire with Hamas after successfully negotiating a reunion of brothers Liam and Noel Gallagher for ...

HUGE SALE STARTS TODAY!

Hello fine Patrons. Just wanted to let you know we are helping you prepare for the onslaught of seasonal depression by offering up a big sale in our store. Up to 30% off of all The Hard Times and Hard Drive products. Stock up now.

Hard Digest August 25: Early Access NPR, Toilet Paper, Climate Change, and More

Power-Mad NPR Announces Giant Desk Concerts

By Nathan Kamal 

WASHINGTON — National Public Radio, drunk on its own power over hordes of tea-drinking listeners, announced a new series of mandatory-viewing Giant Desk Concerts, according to a press release.

“Listen up, you fucking plebeians,” said wild-eyed NPR Music spokesperson Jessi...

Hard Digest August 25: Early Access Maynard James Keenan, Political Discourse, Partying, Deadpool, and More

Maynard James Keenan’s Winery Not Sure What to Do With Pallets of Unsold “Stinkfist Chardonnay”

By Matt Husser 

JEROME, Ariz. — Workers at Maynard James Keenan’s Caduceus Cellars were reportedly debating what to do with pallets of unsold “Stinkfist Chardonnay” after the Tool frontman’s wine failed to meet sales goals for mysteri...

Hard Digest August 23: Early Access Nardwuar, Forklifts, Banks, Facebook, and More

Nardwuar Ushered Out of Gentlemen’s Club for Addressing Dancers by Their Real Names

By Carson Kile

VANCOUVER, British Columbia — Legendary music journalist Nardwuar was gently but sternly escorted out of a gentlemen’s club last night for addressing the performers by their real names, confirmed sources who believed he went too far this time. 2024-08-24 00:00:06 +0000 UTC View Post

Hard Digest August 22: Tom Morello, Early Access Friendship, Charmin Bears, Lars Ulrich, and More

Exhausted Tom Morello Faxes in Protest of Chicago DNC

By Rob Ryder

CHICAGO — Guitarist and exhausted activist Tom Morello faxed in his protest of the Democratic National Convention report disappointed political activists and Rage Against the Machine fans throughout Chicago.

“Just as it was in 2000, we are not letting the streets of Chicago g...

MVP: Guns N' Roses "November Rain"

If you are anything like us you love the short stories of Del James, and thankfully this classic Guns N' Roses video for "November Rain" is based on one of his works, but you already knew that. We break it down anyway. Give it a listen.

Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8SbUC-UaAxE

Hard Digest August 21: Pumpkin Spice, Early Access Threads, Bill Maher, Hipsters, and More

“It’s Too Early for Pumpkin Spice!” Says Man with Fridge Full of Oktoberfest Beers

By Ben Friedman 

MINNEAPOLIS — Local man Greg Johannssen claims it’s too early in the year for Starbucks to release pumpkin spice flavored drinks despite the fact his refrigerator is already fully stocked with Oktoberfest beers, sources close to the s...

Hard Digest August 20: Joe Biden, Donald Trump AI, Early Access Bounces, Old Phones, New Age Hippies, and More

Tearful Joe Biden Delivers Powerful Speech About How Thankful He Is to Have Funded a Genocide

By The Hard Times Staff 

CHICAGO — President Biden gave an emotional keynote address on the first night of the Democratic National Convention where he fought back tears talking about his proudest political achievements, which included funding a geno...

Hard Digest August 19: Dave Matthews, Early Access Carcass, SmarterChild, Child Stars, and More

DNC Officials on Edge After Dave Matthews Parks Tour Bus Blocks Away From Convention Venue

By The Hard Times Staff 

CHICAGO — Party officials running the Democratic National Convention in Chicago asked for increased security after they learned Dave Matthews returned to Chicago with his tour bus and parked it just blocks from the United Cente...

Hard Digest August 18: Early Access Influencers, Renovations, Amish Villages, and More

Estranged Influencer Couple Agree to Stay Together For the Algorithm

By Tim Sheard 

CHARLESTON, S.C. — Estranged husband and wife lifestyle influencer couple known as “The Wilsons” announced they had reconciled and agreed to stay together for the sake of the algorithm, friends force to help film content confirmed.

“It was a tough t...

Hard Digest August 17: Price Gouging, Early Access The Decemberists, Potpourri, Palestine, Brat Summer, and More

Conservative Who Has Been Complaining About Grocery Prices Says Harris’ Price-Gouging Ban is Communism

By Colleen Nerney

WHEELING, W. Va. — Local conservative Jerry Wardmore repeatedly stated that Vice President Kamala Harris’ proposed ban on grocery price-gouging is “downright communist” despite complaining about the price of grocer...

Hard Digest August 16: Early Access Burritos, Bill Maher, Tattoos, J.D. Vance, and More

Punk Foodie Can Tell Which Factory Gas Station Burrito Came From

By Tim Graham 

CLINTON, Mass. — Self-professed food connoisseur Noah Frawley boasts the unusual ability to determine the provenance of microwaved gas station burritos, according to mildly impressed sources.

“After years of eating nothing but cheap burritos, I’ve develop...

Hard Digest August 15: Early Access Concertgoers, Garbage Pail Kids, Ghosts, and More

Self-Conscious Concertgoer Really Needed to Hear Crowd He’s In Was Amazing Tonight

By Neel Bhakta 

MILWAUKEE — Local sad sack and frequent concert attendee Jorges Henderson recently had his spirits lifted after hearing the singer of the band Stubbourne say the crowd he was in was amazing, uplifted sources reported.

“Look, I’ll be...

MVP: The Cranberries "Zombie"

If you wanted a fun romp of a music video then good news, this week we break down The Cranberries mega classic "Zombie." Listen, and maybe you will learn a little something.

Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Ejga4kJUts