By Sean Fallon
BUTLER, Penn. – Billionaire Elon Musk unveiled an offer of $1 million to anyone willing to sign his birthday card, sources close to the matter revealed.
“It would be totes amazeballs to get a birthday card this year. I think it’s been about 20 years since ...
2024-11-01 00:00:11 +0000 UTC View Post
It's the spookiest day of the year, so today we break down the spookiest video of all time.
Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sOnqjkJTMaA&list=RDsOnqjkJTMaA&start_radio=1
2024-10-31 17:29:59 +0000 UTC View Post
By Sam LiButti
ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local mother Martha Browning grew concerned for her crust punk son after hearing rumors circulating that some trick-or-treaters may find candy mixed in with their drugs this Halloween season, sources confirmed.
...
2024-10-31 00:00:06 +0000 UTC View Post
By Matt Husser
TUCSON, Ariz. — Local werewolf Steve Callahan was under fire today after an unexpected transformation left his wolf form trapped in a hot car, concerned sources confirmed.
“How was I supposed to know the full moon would be visible in the middle of the day? I was jus...
2024-10-30 00:00:11 +0000 UTC View Post
BETHLEHEM, Pa. — Local conservative man and general douchebag Chet Dyker was spotted at a Halloween party this past weekend telling women dressed as sexy cops that they’d be even hotter in regular, less revealing uniforms, sources who didn’t ag...
2024-10-29 00:00:05 +0000 UTC View Post
NEW YORK — Local metalhead Noel Donner is feeling nervous about the longevity of his relationship after finding the Peter Steele issue of Playgirl hidden underneath his girlfriend’s mattress, multiple sources confi...
2024-10-28 00:00:07 +0000 UTC View Post
WASHINGTON — The minds behind the much-reviled Project 2025 announced new plans to capture ecological superhero Captain Planet and his trusty Planeteers in order to continue to destroy Earth with little obstructio...
2024-10-27 01:30:01 +0000 UTC View Post
LOS ANGELES — Local blitzed music executive at RCA Records repeatedly contacted Mariah Carey’s camp to collaborate on a new single called “All I Want For Halloween is You,” confirmed sources.
“Listen, how do you know when Christmas is...
2024-10-26 00:00:09 +0000 UTC View Post
By Drew Gigis
DAVENPORT, Iowa — Local software firm Blackstone Limited is celebrating the diversity of the employees losing their jobs in a round of brutal layoffs, politically exhausted sources confirmed.
“Blackstone was very proud of our ‘Melting Pot’ initiati...
2024-10-25 00:00:05 +0000 UTC View Post
Take a trip to the graveyard with Bill and Dan as they break down "Pet Sematary" by the Ramones. There will be thrills, chills, and lots of tight denim pants.
Watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJWFsZ_YUc4
LOS ANGELES — B-list celebrities from every facet of the entertainment industry announced their plan to randomly appear in some casino gambling app you’ve never even heard of before, sources who always bet on black confirmed.
<... 2024-10-24 00:00:05 +0000 UTC View Post
By Ben Friedman
WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. – Distractions abounded in federal court after longtime former Abercrombie and Fitch CEO Mike Jefferies appeared before a judge oiled up and shirtless in a pair of jeans during arraignment on sex trafficking charges, co...
2024-10-23 00:00:06 +0000 UTC View Post
By Bob Kerr
WASHINGTON — Legendary post-hardcore band Fugazi announced they would be canceling their reunion tour because interest in the shows has been too high, confirmed sources who wouldn’t have bought tickets in the first place if they thought it would offend them.
...
2024-10-22 00:00:06 +0000 UTC View Post
By Livy BerryMILWAUKEE — Local suburban father Dave Johnson made history after inadvertently performing the greatest rock and roll drum solo of all time on the willing belly of his best friend and dog Teddy Johnson, confirmed extremely impressed sources...
2024-10-21 00:00:10 +0000 UTC View Post
PITTSBURGH – Local crust punk Eric Gorski reportedly entered the stage of his life in which he only listens to Hank Williams, sources report.
“Yeah, man. I’ve been this way ever since I can remember,” reported Gorski as he picked an old...
2024-10-20 00:00:05 +0000 UTC View Post
By Dan Kozuh
BRAINTREE, Mass. — A leak revealed that local punk band We Wear the Mask only keeps their second guitarist, Davey Thompson, in the lineup because he is the only one who knows how to fix the band’s perpetually ailing 1998 Ford Econoline tour van, anonymous...
2024-10-18 00:00:05 +0000 UTC View Post
Today Bill and Dan break down a video that was lost to time for 30 years thanks to litigation from New Line Cinema, so don't be upset with yourself if you've never seen this video before. Join us as we break it down for you and we deal with this nightmare together.
Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fVbaYFVUbLo
By Carson Kile
LOS ANGELES — An astounding display of skill and expertise was observed today as local punk sommelier Evan Weaver correctly guessed the month the milk in his fridge went sour, confirmed amazed sources.
“It really just boils down to experience,” remarked Ev...
2024-10-17 00:00:08 +0000 UTC View Post
By Ben Friedman
DEERFIELD, Ill. – Walgreens announced today that it would be closing 1,200 retail stores after unsuccessfully implementing a policy of locking entire facades of their stores behind plastic cases, company executives have confirmed.
“Walgreens...
2024-10-16 00:00:07 +0000 UTC View Post
By Tim Sheard
BOCA CHICA, Texas — Local businessman and investor Elon Musk presented his clear vision of the future where humanity thought of him as the worst person on multiple planets, confirmed sources who just assumed extraterrestrials des...
2024-10-15 00:00:05 +0000 UTC View Post
By Ben Friedman
OMAHA, Neb. — HR generalist Annie Washington claims she already knows who within the company is going to be fired for donning blackface this Halloween season, nervous employees report.
“When you work in corporate HR for as long as I ...
2024-10-14 00:00:07 +0000 UTC View Post
Lifelong Metalhead Enters Third Consecutive Decade of People Assuming He Listens to Rammstein
BOULDER, Colo. — Local metalhead Theo Cordin entered the third consecutive decade of his friends and family assuming he was a fan of German Neue Deutsche Härte band Rammstein, annoyed sources confirmed.
“Yeah, dude, I fu...
2024-10-13 00:00:06 +0000 UTC View Post
By John Danek
LOUISVILLE, Ky. — Cult Americana legends Murder by Death are celebrating a unique milestone by officially disappointing one million metalheads who were enticed by their brutal band name, according to a press release.
“We in Murder by Death always knew that by ...
2024-10-12 00:00:05 +0000 UTC View Post
By Dan Kozuh
ALEXANDRIA, Va. — Experts warned that if re-elected, former President Trump’s stringent border policies could prevent thousands of Canadian girlfriends from making it to American proms this year, acne–covered sources report. 2024-10-11 00:00:04 +0000 UTC View Post
It's October, and that means we are legally obligated to cover a spooky music video. So this week Bill and Dan enter a deep sleep to break down the video for Dokken's "Dream Warriors" where they take on Freddy Krueger. Give it a listen.
Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=noLPhZvcBpw
By Joe Rumrill
SAN JOSE, Calif. — Breaking university-level research revealed the unpleasant truth that the sought-after record you’ve been looking for your whole life was in the crate you opted not to check, chagrined sources confirmed.
“It bring...
2024-10-10 00:00:05 +0000 UTC View Post
By Doug Kolic
SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. — Bret Michael’s longtime bandana and cowboy hat launched a heated custody battle of his head this week, according to sources flipping through legal briefs searching for any type of precedent.
“We’ve been sharing space on Bret’...
2024-10-09 00:00:05 +0000 UTC View Post
By Chris Bowen
CHICAGO — Local metalhead Dirk Felton proposed to his girlfriend Jade Oliver at the beginning of “I Cum Blood” during a recent Cannibal Corpse show, welled-up sources confirmed.
“She said ‘hell yes!’” ...
2024-10-08 00:00:05 +0000 UTC View Post
By Ryan Dondero
MOORESVILLE, N.C. — Lowe’s executives announced plans to introduce a 14-foot tall Glenn Danzig ahead of the upcoming Halloween season, confirmed multiple sources following a shareholder’s meeting.
“The runaway success of Home Depot’s 12-foot skeleton caught everyo...
2024-10-07 00:00:06 +0000 UTC View Post
GG Allin Chia Pet Has Very Different Set of Directions for Fertilizing Soil
LITTLETON, N.H. — A recent release of a limited edition “GG Allin Chia Pet” elicited a mixed reaction due to the rather unconventional set of growing instructions, horrified sources report.
“Originally we started with a Hulk Hogan model, ...
2024-10-06 00:00:05 +0000 UTC View Post
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