thehardtimes

Hard Digest December 27: Early Access Ian MacKaye, Pamela and Tommy Lee, Radio Stations, and More

Panicked Ian MacKaye Frantically Calling Documentarians After Remembering Anecdote About ‘80s Hardcore He Hasn’t Told Anyone Yet

By James Knapp

WASHINGTON — Ian MacKaye was recently spotted scrambling down a block, knocking over multiple children and old people who were in his path, in a harried effort to report to any documentarian available ...

Hard Digest December 26: Early Access Time Travel, Cybertrucks, Break Ups, and More

Local Band With Just Drummer and Guitarist Must Have Time Traveled From 2011

By Ryan Dondero 

SAN DIEGO — Local indie noise band Static Teeth, which consists of just a drummer and a guitarist, left confused showgoers wondering if the duo had time-traveled from 2011.

“I’m shocked, honestly. I didn’t see this coming at all,” sai...

MVP: The Smashing Pumpkins "Tonight, Tonight"

Do you like Zeppelin rides and exploding moon men? Then we have good news for you. Today we break down The Smashing Pumpkins classic video for "Tonight, Tonight" and we barely even talk about Billy Corgan.

Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOG3eus4ZSo

Hard Digest December 25: Early Access Tattoos, Trad Husbands, Blood Work, and More

Punk Wishes He Had Gotten Tattoo of Alkaline Trio’s Heart Logo Instead of a Dog Shitting Razorblades

By Peter Woods 

CHICAGO — Local punk Rikki Fedlimid felt remorseful after getting a tattoo of a dog shitting razorblades to show his love for pop punk mainstays Alkaline Trio instead of getting the more popular skull/heart logo, reported nu...

Hard Digest December 24: Early Access Christmas Crap, and More

Guy Wishing for Class War This Christmas Will Settle for a Decent Panini Press

By Chris Bowen 

ENDICOTT, N.Y. — Local man Jullian Karnes is hopeful for a war waged by the working class towards the wealthy elite this Christmas, but will settle for a nice hot sandwich maker instead if need be, fed-up sources report.

“Given the fact that...

Hard Digest December 23: Early Access Caroling, Santa, Hot Topic, and More

Black Metal Christmas Carolers Only Reach Three Houses Before Murdering Each Other

By Steve Packosky

SEATTLE – Christmas carolers and members of local black metal band Kirkeråte only reached three houses before succumbing to the urge to kill one another, mystified sources reported.

“It was our mission to invert the perverse faith of...

Hard Digest December 22: Early Access Trump Administration, Fursuits, and Violinists

Trump Administration Poised to Remove Federal Protections for California’s Last Known Aquabats

By Matt Oriente 

SAN MATEO, Calif. – President-elect Donald Trump announced via Truth Social his intention to remove “any and all” federal protections for the near-extinct Aquabats.

“It’s wasteful. Why would we protect something th...

Hard Digest December 21: Early Access Ron DeSantis, Meet Cutes, Beatles Docs, Gift Ideas, and more

Ron DeSantis Signs Bill to Remove the Word “Gay” From All Christmas Songs

By The Hard Times Staff 

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Florida Governor Ron DeSantis signed a new bill that bans the word “gay” from being used in any Christmas songs past or present, sources confirmed.

“Christmas is about spending time with family and celebratin...

Hard Digest December 20: Early Access Hallmark Movies, Elf on a Shelf, Breaking Benjamin, and More

Punk Hallmark Movie Features Scene Veteran Opening Piercing Shop in Cozy Small Town

By Bob Kerr 

LOS ANGELES — Hallmark revealed that their latest holiday movie titled “The Christmas Stud” will feature a punk scene veteran opening a piercing shop in a small cozy town, confirmed mildly interested sources.

“It’s about a scene vet na...

Hard Digest December 19: Gavin Newsom, Early Access Quentin Tarantino, Community College, Bartenders, and More

Gavin Newsom Calls for State of Emergency After Realizing He Hasn’t Been In the News For a Couple of Weeks

By The Hard Times Staff 

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — California Governor Gavin Newsom declared a state of emergency after realizing it’s been well over two weeks since he was the center of attention, sources confirmed.

“This is a s...

MVP: Ramones "Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight Tonight)"

Christmas is almost here and that means it's time to visit another classic Ramones video, this time it's a tribute to the whacky world of domestic violence. Cuddle up with your sweetheart and give this episode a spin.

70% off sale for Patrons is live!

use the code THANKYOU on hardshoppes.com -- thank you for supporting us! Let us know what you pick up!

Hard Digest December 18: Early Access Sisqo, Santa, Band Shirts, and More

Sisqó Teams Up with New York Philharmonic for “Thong Song 2025”

By Doug Kolic 

NEW YORK — American R&B singer Sisqó revealed that he would be collaborating with the New York Philharmonic to perform a rendition of the 1999 hit “Thong Song,” confirmed sources who vaguely remembered that song.

“I’ve been thinking about...

Hard Digest December 17: Early Access David Bowie, Male Loneliness, KFC, and More

David Bowie Fan Has Completely Different Personality Every Time You See Them

By Zachary Wolf 

ARKADELPHIA, Ark. — Friends of local David Bowie fan William Malloy report the young man has a completely different personality every time you see them.

“I saw him last week and he was this clean-cut mod guy,” said Slater while fretting ov...

Hard Digest December 16: OpenAI, Early Access Grindcore, First Shows, Del Tha Funkee Homosapien, and More

OpenAI Honors Dead Whistleblower by Feeding His Complaints Into New Language Learning Models

By Tim Sheard 

SAN FRANCISCO — Executives at OpenAI agreed to honor Suchir Balaji, a former OpenAI researcher and whistleblower, by incorporating his complaints about copyright violations and unethical business practices into the next round of langu...

Hard Digest December 15: Early Access Dream Theater, Co-Workers, and Facebook

Friend Group of Dream Theater Fans Makes Pact To Lose Their Virginities Before They’re Eligible for Social Security Benefits

By Steve Packosky 

NORTH HUNTINGDON, Pa. — A friend group composed of progressive metal band Dream Theater fans made a pact to lose their virginities before their Social Security benefit eligibility, cringing sou...

Hard Digest December 14: Early Access GWAR, Facebook Shirts, Moms, and More

GWAR Forced to Reduce Fake Cum Usage After Tariffs Cut Supply to 5 Barrels a Day

By Rob Ryder

RICHMOND — Legendary metal group GWAR reportedly cut their usage of onstage fake cum to approximately five barrels a day after new tariffs increased prices to unsustainable levels, drenched sources in the front row confirmed.

“GWAR has always giv...

Sumerian and Hard Times team up for print editions, animated sketches, and comic book collabs

Hard Times celebrated 10 years of existence a couple days ago (We think, Bill and I aren't 100% sure on the date). But without you, the people who decided to chip in when we most needed it, we probably wouldn't have made it. You saved us! When you chose to support our work it was a make or break moment for us, and we'll never forget it.

Here's some more good news about the site’s continued existence: Hard Times and Hard Drive have found a new home under the ownership of Sumerian Entertainment, who put out records, comic books, tv sho...

Hard Digest December 13: Early Access Hot Topic, Touring, "Speed," and More

Hot Topic Staff Swaps Out “The Nightmare Before Christmas” Halloween Merch For “The Nightmare Before Christmas” Christmas Merch

By Jerrod Kingery 

SAN ANTONIO — Employees at the Hot Topic store in Ingram Park Mall are working diligently to replace all of the Halloween season “The Nightmare Before Christmas” products for th...

Hard Digest December 12: Our Punk of the Year Revealed, Early Access $6.66, Elon, Joe Biden, and More

Luigi Mangione is The Hard Times’ 2024 Punk of the Year

By The Hard Times Staff 

The streets of New York are a little less dangerous for C-suite healthcare executives now that Luigi Mangione is in a Pennsylvania jail. But our offices were rocked by such a late entry into our 106th annual Punk of the Year award.

We had our choice locke...

MVP: REM "Losing My Religion"

Consider this: We break down the REM classic "Losing My Religion" to help you get into the Christmas spirit. Bill and Dan discuss everything from Michael Stipe's wardrobe to Michael Stipe's dance moves and the guys definitely understood every reference in the video.

Go watch it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwtdhWltSIg

Hard Digest December 11: Early Access Scrub Daddy, Local Businesses, Charity, and More

Makers of Scrub Daddy Release New “Scrub Sub” For Those Filthy, Dirty, Misbehaving Stains

By Dan Kozuh 

PENNSAUKEN, N.J. — The makers of the Scrub Daddy recently introduced a new companion product, the “Scrub Sub,” which is meticulously designed to drink up the filthiest, naughtiest messes with pleasure.

“We realized that some peo...

Hard Digest December 10: Jay-Z, Hawk Tuah Coin, Early Access Criss Angel, Weezer, Nancy Pelosi, and More

Jay-Z Quietly Pays Luigi Mangione’s Court Fees to Express Gratitude for Dominating Media Attention

By Bill Conway 

NEW YORK — Hip hop mogul Jay-Z discreetly paid off Luigi Mangione’s early court costs as a sign of appreciation to the suspected assassin for drawing all the media attention away from the fact he was being accused of raping a...

Hard Digest December 9: CEO Shooter, Early Access Joanna Newsom, Stryper, Project 2025, and More

Altoona McDonald’s 1-Star Reviews Shift From Complaints About Food to Complaints About Employees Being Class Traitors

By The Hard Times Staff

ALTOONA, Pa. — A wave of 1-star Google reviews flooded a local McDonald’s location after an employee ratted out the suspected killer of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson earlier today, outraged sources...

MVP: Radiohead "Just"

If the weight of the world is crushing your spirits then watching the video for "Just" might not be a great idea, you will probably just end up lying down on the sidewalk and never moving again. Well, Bill and Dan break it all down in this very uplifting episode.

Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIFLtNYI3Ls

Hard Digest December 1: Early Access Tote Bags, TRL, Jeff Lynne, and More

Missing Woman Found at Bottom of Tote Bag

By Sarah Feliciano 

ASTORIA, N.Y. — Local woman Jessica Hayfeather was recently discovered at the bottom of her gargantuan tote bag after a frantic seven-minute long search, confirmed sources who had been looking all over for her.

“There I was trapped down there like I was James Franco in...

Hard Digest November 30: Early Access Scott's Bass Lessons, Columbia House, Five Finger Death Punch, and More

Scott’s Bass Lessons Unveils Exclusive 90-Minute Masterclass on Shoving an Ampeg 8×10 into a 1994 Toyota Corolla

By Robert John Scucci 

LONDON – Scott Devine and Ian Martin Allison wowed bass players across the globe with their new masterclass on how to shove a refrigerator-sized Ampeg SVT 8×10 speaker cabinet into the back of a ...

Hard Digest November 29: Early Access Iron & Wine, Marathons, Patriotism, and More

Iron & Wine Fan Visibly Winded After Hearing Song at 100BPM

By Shane Pauker 

PHILADELPHIA — Avid Iron & Wine fan Kyle Bennet was recently seen panting in exhaustion after listening to a moderately-paced modern rock song, sources report.

“I usually listen to pretty laid-back music, but I was trying to be cool, and see what th...

Hard Digest November 28: Early Access Democrats, Parents, Rivers Cuomo, and More

Top Democrats Ask Netanyahu if “We’re Still Friends” After Trump Victory

By Chad Kubrak

WASHINGTON — House minority leader and top Democrat Hakeem Jeffries asked Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu if they are “still friends” following Donald Trump’s presidential election victory, confirmed sources.

“We’re a match mad...

MVP: Sick of It All "Step Down"

Today we are thankful for the Sick of It All video for "Step Down" that taught an entire generation the correct way to mosh. Bill and Dan break it all down.

Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=6RkyxNa2W9o