Stuart Millard

Noel's House Party - First & Last

 Of all the ways to even attempt an accurate description of the complex character of Noel Edmonds, none have so perfectly and succinctly pinned him down as Vic and Bob's portrayal, in 1993's Smell of Reeves and Mortimer. Their great skill is using warped non-impressions to perfectly capture a person's essence, through one beautifully observed trait, and their Noel, mouth agape in eternal hysteria that his show is going unmissably wrong -- “...

Flashbacks

 Been watching Sharp Objects. Is it just me, or do the constant flashbacks seem a bit... unrelated?  

Jay-Z Finds Inspiration

Uncool Runnings

 There's a particular cliché in film and television that rings truer than the rest, that is, the social hierarchy of the highschool male. Almost always, unsporty, flailing nerds fester at the bottom, with the popular jocks spitting at them from the top, with that Venn diagram of 'sporty kids' and 'bullies' usually a perfect circle. It's true in The Breakfast Club, and it was true for my schooldays in Sussex, albeit without America's weirdly ...

Danny Dyer Has a Butchers at Aliens

 It's a miracle I've gone this long without tackling the works of Danny Dyer, who's one of those celebrities that embraces their stereotype so hard, they've become an actual cartoon. I've often wondered what genuine Italians make of Gino D'Acampo's Super Mario accent -- “Mama mia! I've dropped-a the spaghetti!” but speaking as a real British person, Dyer seems like the offensive creation of an enemy nation trying to bait us into war. It's been gri...

The Warrior Show Bonus

Finally got around to editing some highlights from the Ultimate Warrior's reality show featured in this post from a few months back, if you want to see a man scream himself into a such a vivid shade of red, it passes beyond the visible colour spectrum.

New Novel Announcement

 In the summer of 1962, a flurry of monster sightings at the famous Loch inspire a group of volunteers to band together and keep watch on its waters.

   
 That's more of a log-line than a blurb, but I want to take advantage of serialising and reveal surprises to the audience at my own pace.

 
 Men of the Loch is a Patreon exclusive at the $5 level, and at least for a couple of ...

The Other Time Roseanne Got Cancelled

 Whoopi and Ted. Bruce and Demi. Gareth and Norman. But amid the early 90's landscape of wonderful celebrity couplings, there were none quite like Roseanne Barr and Tom Arnold. In many ways, they were the Kim and Kanye of their time, a true Hollywood power couple virtually printing money, and wearing their brashness like wrestling heels, as exaggerated versions of their true selves that, in hindsight, was just who they really were. Though perhaps a be...

You Have Been Watching

Baywatch does Body Image Issues

 I couldn't stay away. I think we all knew, once I watched the Hulk Hogan episode and realised how gloriously stupid a show it was, that I'd be coming back to Baywatch. But it ran for so long, and the episode guide is a wonder of earthquakes and sea monsters and bungee jump contests, where to begin? How about an hour revolving arou...

New Kids in The Sewer - When Ninja Turtles Go Pop

 As a nine-year-old boy, I was right in the sweet spot when TMNT hit, or rather, TMHT, with the H for Hero, as the very word 'ninja' was banned in the UK, lest us delicate British dandies timorously trickle wee-wee into our knickers. A franchise built around bloodless beat-downs, its wild success caused headaches among the censors for a nation where nunchucks not only couldn't be purchased, but couldn't even be seen...

Where the $5 Tier Goes Now

 Now that Jangle's concluded, I thought I'd quickly address what happens with the $5 tier going forward.

  
 There are a lot of things I want to write. I'm surrounded by notebooks and word files and scraps of paper with enough ideas for books, screenplays, and miscellaneous media to see me releasing work until my 5,000th birthday. It's like the hideout of John Doe from Se7en here. I'm not saying I'm ...

Have I Been Here Before?

 Reincarnation is a nice idea, and out of all the afterlife possibilities, it's the one I most hope is real. What better than a chance to respawn and try again if, say, you completely fucked up your life by trying to be a writer, subsequently condemning yourself to an empty existence of failure and poverty? But everyone's always Cleopatra, and never some nameless serf who shat themselves to death on a big pile of corpses. ITV's 2005 series, Have I...